Blame

I have been asked several times if I blame anyone for Michael’s sudden death and I have been thinking this through over the last few days.

I have also been asked whether I would have felt differently if he had died of cancer and not drug addiction – would there be someone to blame or indeed whether enough had been done for him?

You know – I don’t know the answer. I often ask myself what is the purpose of blame, it will not bring Michael back; certainly some aspects of his care could have been done differently and I hope the services will learn from Michael’s sudden death (there is an NHS enquiry taking place as he died whilst in their care)

I really believe that those with dual diagnosis often fall between the services, neither a ‘true’ drug addict or a mental health sufferer (how am I supposed to label/word these illnesses?).

Also how ill does a person need to become and how low do they need to go? I must have heard the phrase ‘he needs to hit rock bottom’ a thousand times. What exactly is rock bottom – what does it mean?

I do believe that people with addiction can often be treated with contempt by the medical services, often with the view that it is self-inflicted. I am hoping that this certainly would not be the case with a person suffering from cancer, after all they did not choose to have cancer. This is a very important point because addicts do not choose initially to become addicted, they do not initially choose to steal or to become beggars on the street or cause so much heartache to their families and loved ones.

Addiction is like a growth that can completely take over a persons life and body, just like a cancer can.

All I know is that I loved Michael and maybe if he had cancer his quality of life might have been better and the understanding of others might have been kinder and definately more supportive. I am not saying that cancer is an easier illness/disease to deal with, just different – gosh I feel as if I am being quite controversial here and I don’t mean to offend anyone?

I know some of you might think I am rambling but please understand that these are my views and reflections.

Michael was a person with thoughts, feelings and needs not just a drug addict or a beggar who people thought they could abuse or piss on on the streets.

I understand that people judge but not one of us knows what lies around the corner or what life has in store for us; what I do know is that each one of us is a valuable human being and in a way Michael’s death has made that even clearer to me.

Talk soon, tomorrow I will see my son in the Chapel of Rest.

love and hugs

Sue x