Phew Dad! I made it x

Hi all.

Well, here I am. Sitting on the London to Lancaster train on my way back from what was quite possibly the most trying week of my new found sobriety so far. It really has been a stressful few days.

If you read my last blog you will know that there were a few little issues with home that I was flapping about. My court case with my ex husband, skeletons in family closets and my partner acting like a (just my opinion) k**b. My state of mind was thrown further into turmoil with the tragic news that my dear cousin and friend had died suddenly at the age of 29.

It was my cousin’s funeral yesterday which I wanted to attend. I live in Cumbria and my cousin lived in East Sussex. So for me to go it would mean taking my pregnant self on a journey from one end of the country to the other. It would also mean leaving my daughter and my home/sanctuary for 3 days.

I love my cousin dearly so decided that I would stop with the ’poor me’, have a bit of faith in myself and find some inner strength, enough to travel all the way down south on my own and this was my little journey:-

I packed my case on Sunday night, everything but the kitchen sink in true female fashion, “What will the weather be like? What clothes/shoes should I take? Sod it I will just take everything”, that sort of idea. I had bought my tickets for the several different trains I would be taking and booked the B n B for 2 nights, I was very organised.

I was also extremely nervous. I was worried about the journey, the strange bed, the trauma and grief of the funeral, the opinionated relatives and the meeting of my old school chums in a couple of the old haunts where my drinking career began.

The train journey down was horrendous. The London train was packed (I took full advantage of my bump and got a seat however!). I got off at London to face the ‘not so much’ relief of the London underground with my humungous suitcase, bag of essentials (sweets, pop and of course lots of cake), handbag stuffed with other not so essentials and my ever expanding tummy (down to baby, not cake……er…..honest??).

I was also dealing with a father who was so worried about me that he phoned me every quarter of a second to make sure the stress wasn’t getting too much and that I hadn’t filled my bag with miniature vodkas from the buffet car! Bless him, I don’t blame him for worrying, my track record has not been very good over the years and he knew I was very nervous.

I told my dad with confidence every time he called that he had nothing to worry about as I had no intentions of picking up a drink. Even though I did not want to drink, the thought of alcohol was making me nervous (weird). I think this was because I was so worried about the whole trip and was wondering how I would cope.

I got through the underground anyway, caught my other 2 trains and arrived on time at my destination.

An old school friend met me at the station, and as I had not seen him in 10 years. I proceeded to make a very excitable scene by jumping on him and screaming, “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Repeatedly.

My reaction really surprised me as I have been very reserved and quiet for a very long time. I had missed this guy incredibly though over the years. We had been extremely close in our school days. So we spent an hour catching up and reminiscing, I then went to my B n B to get ready to meet another couple of friends.

I spent Monday evening reminiscing about misspent youth with my old friends and how I had been a complete nutter! It was so lovely to have been so missed though, I was really moved by how my old friends still loved me and how they all went out of their way to come and see me.

I have had quite a complex in my adulthood, always thinking that socially I was a bit of a freak. But being with my old friends again was so comfortable and I felt better about my ability to mix than I have done in 10 years.

Later, I went back to my room feeling really anxious at the thought of staying in a strange place on my own. I passed a very restless night before the funeral, having many irrational thoughts about ghosts and death, and morbidly thinking how awful it would be if I just died in my sleep many miles from home in this bed and breakfast! What a nutter! My friends were right!

I was up at half 4 the next morning as I was tired of tossing and turning in the bed. I paced around till the paper shop opened, walked down to get a paper, got some breakfast and got ready for the funeral. And the event itself was as excruciatingly painful as I had imagined.

I had met my sister who had drove down through the night, and we clung to each other and shed our tears as quietly as we could manage. The family had got a friend to sing ‘Ave Maria’ acoustically in the church. It was very beautiful, yet so, so sad. But we got through the worst part and went on to the crematorioum then the wake afterwards.

I was offered quite a few drinks, but I managed to resist. My phone was back on by this time and my dad seemed to be on the phone anytime a drink was offered, which did seem to add to his ever increasing panic about the bender he had already begun to envisage me on. Bless him, But really, how could I possibly blame him?

By evening I made my excuses to relatives (being pregnant has proved to be the best excuse for almost anything on this trip) and left. I had found a local AA meeting and wanted to go, I had never been to an ’away’ meeting before. I wandered in and was made very welcome.

I spilled out my feelings on the few days I had just had, and managed that night to get the best night sleep I think I have had in years! I was so exhausted that I drifted off the minute I hit the bed.

This morning I was woken at 7am by a phone call, and you’ll never guess who it was?! I bet you cant? OK, I will tell you……my dear worried dad. Aww. I really wish I could have put his mind at rest, he has fretted so much, he knows as much as I do that if I pick up another drink there is a good possibility that I will not put it down again until I kill myself. So I know he probably has not slept much himself .

I got myself together and went to catch the first of today’s trains.

I got to London, braved the underground and survived, bought essentials for the rest of my trip home, chocolate cake, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate, you know the score, I must look after my bump (obviously if my unborn child didn’t need those things I would have been good and gotten a bottle of Evian and a lettuce leaf!) and boarded the London to Lancaster train with plenty of time to spare. Getting myself a comfortable seat with a table and a plug for my laptop.

So. Here I am. Travelling home, feeling very relived that I am comfortable, relieved and also quite pleased with myself. I got through it. I faced a few stressful, sad, worrying days and I survived it. I did not turn to booze to help me through and I now know that I can cope with a challenging situation like a ‘normal’ person that doesn’t get pissed out of their tree when the going gets tough.

I may even allow myself …..should I?…..it is a bit childish…..Oh hell, I will just do it. I am a little bit smug. I will keep my smugness to myself and not rub it in the cynics faces, but inwardly I am being immaturely smug and blowing a great big raspberry in the face of the ‘unwell ’ wishers who would have been really rather pleased to see Theresa the screw up screw up again.

Does anybody else know anyone who would have been happier if you had continued your demise? I find it ever so odd, but unfortunately there has been one or two since I found recovery. Happily though there are way more people who couldn’t be happier that I am well……..ish, .

Everybody knows that going all that way to the funeral of a very good friend was a high risk situation for me (no one more than my poor ol’ dad) and its had a lot of loved one’s nerves on edge.

But maybe this journey has gone a long way to rebuilding that trust that has been shattered so many times over the years. So shattered that so many bits were missing, and the bits that were left were so small that my loved ones probably feared that it could never be built again.

But guess what? I think I just found a couple of those lost pieces and slotted them back in place. Maybe next time they can rest that little bit easier. I hope so cause next time my dad’s phone bill just wont take it!

Bye for now xxx