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Thought I’d try a different tack from my first post.
A lot of stuff you read about addiction concentrates on how it can change a person into a life of crime and self destruction. When I thought about the effects and started to write this blog I realised it was as if I was justifying why I too am an addict, which is crazy.
So many people just think junkie means no job no hope no self respect etc. There are many different sides to addiction so here’s another.
The term you hear for people like me is ‘functional junkies’. Someone who manages to maintain a relatively normal life, with work, maybe a family and some kind of social life – but uses as a means of coping.
I am using the present tense as sometimes it feels like the term was made for me. I’m still in the early days of recovery, clean from H for 45 days now. Whilst I feel a new man at the moment its hard to forget the 15+ years of hiding my problem. All addicts can be devious in nature whether it manifests itself through crime, or just self-preservation as in my case.
Being a functional junkie can be just as destructive as someone who might go off the rails and do whatever is necessary to survive. You tend to just about hang on doing whatever is necessary to keep your work or family from suspecting too much and watching life pass you by at the same time.
I built up massive debts of around 50k as everything I could spare (and borrow) went on drugs. Must have gone through up to two grand a month for many years. So although I had a good job I had nothing to show for it.
I saw my health getting worse and the scars (ulcers etc) I’d collected from injecting got silly. I disguised it for a long while but they got out of hand to the point where I have caused long term damage.
I used to hate work colleagues asking what I did last night or last weekend cos I never did anything except get off my tree to forget. I had no social life and as soon as I stopped using, no ‘friends’ left either.
I got to a point where I had too many close calls and things started to build up to where I couldn’t see an end to it. It started to change when I thankfully realised I had to turn it around or lose everything. And I wasn’t prepared to lose everything.
I knew something had to change but it still took two years to get where I am now. Still on the nasty green but actively reducing, Getting my confidence back, social life, financial problems are all getting better.
You start to see all you’ve been missing and enjoying the small things in life again. You know, the things you used to think other people were sad to appreciate. Go on, you do. Like you used to think you were in on this big secret called drugs that they had no idea about.
They do say ignorance is bliss ;-)
I think the point I’d like to leave you with is, that ‘No matter how bad it gets there’s always a way back’.
Peace out d;-) till next time….
Thanks for this – a brilliant, brilliant blog and one that shines a light on what seems to be a little discussed area.
It’s funny but as a functional alcoholic (before it all went into meltdown) I really get this. The shame of having a dirty secret made me almost long for exposure, for relief from having to hide and lie and cheat on those I loved.
So much for being functional eh!
I functioned for years in active addiction, but it wasn’t life – It was a vacuum of loss (see my first blog if you want to know the details). When the excrement hit the extractor, I was partly relieved because I was exhausted from trying to keep two worlds going at the same time.
Getting into recovery (I was detoxed in a residential rehab setting where I learned how to use the tools I needed to stay clean) was like a light going on in a very dark world.
I think in some ways being able to function as a using addict allows us to stay in the problem much longer. Those whose consequences are immediate and more severe may be propelled to action sooner.
In any case, good luck on your journey. Look forward to shaing it (virtually) with you.
At least you know what you are even if its hard to realise it ,we can’t change till we face the truth …..thanks for sharing buddy
Oh how I can identify with all this!
I was a “functioning” alcoholic – not many people knew what I was up to, but like you, as my problem got bigger my world got smaller.
Like Michaela, I felt sheer relief once it was all out in the open – I went to AA and finally got honest. And I agree with Peapod – being able to “function” enables one to think that it’s not too bad…..
It took me a while to realise my addiction was every bit as serious as someone who’d lost everything – I didn’t feel as though I’d earned my addict stripes because I’d not been forced into crime or institutions, and it was some time before I understood that there are as many “functioning” users and drinkers out there – if not more – living in quiet desperation if not insane chaos.
I am lucky to be alive, and especially fortunate to be able to share through meetings and wiredin the experiences we all have, and to offer and obtain support.
Thank you for this, Andy.
Andrea
Thanks – nice to know I’m not the only one!
Always knew I wasn’t on my own but suppose you can’t see the others cos of the holes their hidin in.
I wished many times that something would go wrong. It was a relief when I admitted to the OH doctor at work but still took a long time to climb outa that hole.
and Peapod was spot on – the fact you keep ‘functioning’ juts lets it go on longer.
