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The families of addicts are often forgotten about. All focus, time and energy goes toward the drug user. For a family member, it does not feel like there is time to think about your own needs, and you certainly don’t have any energy to look after yourself.
I once read that for every addicted person, at least four people close to them are negatively affected. The ways in which family and friends are affected can vary greatly, but the impact can be severe.
For fifteen years, my life revolved around my son, Kevin’s, addiction. I spent every waking hour worrying about him, and became involved in his addiction in ways I had never imagined. My health, work and relationships suffered, and I became a shell of my former self.
Kevin made numerous attempts to stop using drugs and every time I would support him in any way I could. But inevitably he would return to using and our lives would once again crumble. Looking back, I can see the toll that this was taking on my mental and physical health.
I never gave up hope on Kevin, but at times I could not see what he had to live for. Then things began to change. I’m not sure what it was, but something happened inside of him. He entered rehab and his life stabilised.
Kevin’s recovery has had a very positive impact on my life, as well as his. It took a long time for me to believe that things would stay this way, but now I am no longer plagued by the constant worry and negativity.
I wanted to share my story with other family members to help them see that there is hope for recovery. I never thought it was possible, but miracles do happen.
What a wonderful story. You are inspiring, Kerry. A special lady.
I have been an addict for 12 years but I have not used for about 16 month now, while I was using I did not realise how much my family were affected. I had no contact at all with them thinking I was keeping them safe from all my troubles. It is only now I am clean and talking to my mum again that I know this actually made her worry more, she said even a text message now and then to say I was alive would have put her at ease a bit. I agree with you, there is not enough help out there for families, or for children of (ex)addicts. Also, a lot of grand parents end up the carers of these children, where is the help for them? I am glad you never gave up hope that Kevin would recover, I have no doubt your faith has helped!
Thank you for your comments Pixie.
In the case of family contact it’s so difficult to know what to do for the best..perhaps there are those who don’t want to know what’s happening but in my experience I could not have survived without that contact- though,in hindsight it was probably ‘too much information ‘at times!!
Organisations such as Wired in(and the marvellous people within) work hard to change attitudes of both service providers and the public so hopefully improvement will be seen in the amount and quality of help available to families affected.
As for me never giving up hope I’ll use my favourite quotation (by Martin Luther King)..“with this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.”
It’s lovely that you are now talking to your mum again.I hope you never again lose that contact with her and wish you well in your continued recovery.
i read your article and found that a lot of it mirror’d my life and what happened to you financially…i handed out money like a robot but i didnt go into debt, i had money left to me which i handed over to my daughter for the same reasons you did…stop them doing something or maybe stealing, mugging etc….
i was like a robot, living for the next “i want”..
i see now what i did was completely wrong….its only now i realise that..i ask myself why did i let it happen..well i was on my own and i was getting bullied….
thanks again
linda
Hi Linda,
well I think it’s more and more obvious that there are so many of us caught in the ‘trap’…but by us sharing our experiences and feelings we can show others going down that route that it doesnt help your loved one to address their addiction but also that we are not alone..and there are people out there to offer support.
I hope life is better for you now..
kerry.
life is a lot better although i do have my down days like most people..
part of my problem with my daughter was that i didnt have any support from anywere..my doctor was prescribing methadone for my daughter and anti depressants for me which at that time i didnt take as i was caring for my parents as well.
there must be hundreds if not thousands of parents that are going or have been in that same trap thinking that they are helping when actually they arent….
i think now that i am a lot stronger that if that bullying had started again i woudnt think twice in taking my daughter on….she would definitely come off worse….i dont condone violence but bullying is another matter all together…
a few years ago i was sitting having coffee and this little woman came in..she must have been in her 70’s and she had been belted by her son as i overheard the conversation with her friend….i wouldnt want that to happen to me…this wee woman was bruised on her arms, hands and face…..
I was lucky that in the latter years I was introduced to an organisation in Cardiff called INROADS.
it is a centre for those affected by addiction..users,family members,carers etc.I was able to have treatments such as acupuncture,reflexology and massage which all helped with my stress levels.I even had counselling at one point.there was also a social aspect as well if you wanted it.
confidentiality was no issue..I knew that Kev (or anyone else)would not know what I had said and vice versa.
I sing their praises and wish there were more places like them.
Also when Kev went into rehab at LIVINGSTONES (a christian rehab)I had a great support network there..both spiritual and social.
Of course I had struggled alone,like you, for many many years before that.Trying to hide what was going on from family ,friends and colleagues trying to shelter them from the truth and for fear of condemnation of both Kevin and myself.
thinking back to your comment on bullying he was never violent towards me but there was always that mental pressure..the constant emotional blackmail.
I have read your blogs Linda,and can so understand your torment.
Even though my life is so much better now I still get down times when I can’t banish those dark thoughts and memories.playing senarios over and over…should I have done things differently?.. but whats done really is done and in the past.Hopefully ,for you these periods will lessen in time.You have shown yourself to be strong over the years and you WILL get through this.
sending you a BIG hug. Ke.
bullying was bad enough but the emotional blackmail and mental pressure plus my parents both being ill nearly put me out of this life…i think if it wasnt for my parents who needed me, i would have committed suicide…i had thought of it and then thought of how my parents would deal with my death..that was what kept me living..
kerry, my daughter and i have only been in contact now for a year and although its great, i am still pretty frightened just incase things go bad again…its one of those feelings that i dont know if it will ever go away……
i lie at night looking at different aspects of my life, could i have changed things, how much was it my fault……all those different thoughts as i am lying in the darkness…i know that its not my fault but as a parent its our duty to protect…sometimes i find that hard, i didnt protect my daughter from the addiction..
i take it a day at a time and try and keep myself busy….
i now have a place here i can come too and be myself and i am so thankful…
Kerry,
Its only recently that significant efforts are being directed towards the whole family recovering as a family unit. I do outreach work and am privileged to meet family members and their contribution is invaluable to the formulation of a diagnosis for the significant person that prompted the evaluation process.Your voice has been heard,good luck with the future.
just watched inexcess.tv
and they have filmed a carers focus group in manchester very powerful! link http://www.inexcess.tv/
Kerry, your motherly love and strength is an inspiration. Remember that no hardship or suffering is wasted when we let others love us and God bless us. Stay positive and faithful. You’re loved and cared for and have so much to give others. Lots of love! xxx
Dear Kerry, I m new on wiredin today, and your article is big hope and inspiration for me. Just today, when I was leaving to prague with my brother for his visa to india, he left me in the car and he went…I guess for drugs. He is addicted 13 years, and we had some nice monthes when he was clean and seemed happy to live, but since 2 months I m in my czech family for holidays, it is nightmare. All you describe fit perfectely on me, my family and my father and mother. I want to keep hope and I believe positive thoughts can help. But so far, we are sinking down all of us like Titanic.
I m looking forward to write here one day: we are all together again, happy to be alive.
Misa
A mothers love – there is no book or pamphlet to tell us how it should be, only our hearts can tell us what to do. Sometimes the burden breaks our hearts in to little pieces. All I found I could do was to ask God to protect him and hold him, show him his love and peace in my sons lonely days and nights. I am now a mother without my son, God has taken him to be with him, now my sons trials and tribulations are over, but my heart is truly broken, but the knowledge my son is safe, gives me comfort.
hello Ann Marie,
thank you for sharing your feelings with me.
I am so sorry that Keith,your precious Son, has passed away…but I thank God that he is now safe and at peace after all his struggles.
I am sure you will take strength from that.
You and Keith will both be in my prayers.
love,
Kerry.
Ann Marie, I’m so sorry to hear about your pain and loss. I know no words can take it away but we will be here to support you through it. Keith will be missed sorely but we can use his story to help others. Take comfort. My very best wishes and blessings, Sarah
