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One of the great gifts of recovery for me has been the gradual discovery that I am responsible for my life and my feelings. When I went into treatment, I was as far from understanding this as a slug is from understanding quantum physics. In case you’re in doubt, slugs are good with lettuce, but pants at quantum physics.
I had the skill of externalisation and blaming down to a fine art. I spent my first few days in treatment busily writing a list of the deficiencies of the treatment centre and its staff. If I had been in charge there, I can tell you there would have been some changes.
I couldn’t begin to see my own arrogance. I still have that list today. Though it makes me cringe to read it, and although some of the things on it were acute observations – by god, they could still benefit from my brilliance! – it reminds me of how easy it is to see the world through a distorted lens.
One of the great discoveries for me was uncovering the knowledge that I alone am responsible for my life and my feelings. I’d spent a lot of my childhood and adult life working hard on making myself a victim. A bit of me gloried in feeling sorry for myself a lot of the time and it was better still if you felt sorry for me too!
In recovery, I realised that I was responsible for my own feelings, my own behaviour, not you. I came to understand, as Eleanor Roosevelt had years ago, that nobody else could make me angry, upset or belittled unless I gave them permission to.
I found that it was down to me to decide how I would react or behave when life got tough or people behaved unreasonably. I can’t explain to you the liberation that gave me. It was exhilarating.
I had a difficult conversation with a family member tonight and as I felt anger rising in my chest, I reminded myself that it was up to me how I responded. I could write the night off and be in a foul mood mired in resentment, or I could choose to respond as an adult and let my family member hold the point of view they had without letting it threaten me.
That’s what I chose to do and I ended up having a good evening. Now, as far as I know, slugs are not good at quantum physics and they’re not likely to progress much on that one, but I am certainly getting better at managing my feelings because these days I accept that they are my responsibility.
Watch and learn, slugs, watch and learn.
Hi….
I think I always took responsibility for my actions…. i was very proud of that fact…. until recently i realised i was taking responsibilty for everyone elses actions too…
So it wasn’t really anything to be proud of…
I could easily say…. “i take full responsibilty for that”… getting people out of sticky situations cos i knew the punishment for me would be light…. but i began to see that i did it only for my own ego stroking… not to help anyone else out….
Also i was… actually am… very good at taking responsibilty for what others have done to me… its always my fault… i am slowly learning that is maybe not true… and that i need only take responsibilty for my role in any situation… thats actually a really hard one…. self blame was always easier… but it did keep me in the victim role…
I remember once thinking…. if i wasn’t a victim… who was i?
And i really struggled answering that for along time… still do sometimes…. but i am learning…. i am only a victim if that is what i choose…
Thanks… i enjoyed reading this
be well
louis
I can identify with you on the overblown sense of responsibility for others and just about everything. In earlier days If it rained, I wondered if it might have something to do with me.
I have more difficulty taking responsiblity for my feelings. When I stopped using language like ‘you made me angry’, I began to take responsibility.
Now when I’m feeling something, I ask myself: ‘how am I angering, depressing, frustrating myself’? In doing that I become empowered to do something about it.
Most of the time…
yes Louis i identify with you i think they call us double winners in the fellowship. Androcles, this is a brilliant blog really insightfull and good for me to learn from. Thanks for taking the time out to contribute with clarity and good humour.
Big hug x
Great blog Androcles! You reminded me of the fact that the way we perceive problems (pessimistic: crisis vs optimistic: challenge) forms our reality.
I feel it hurts sometimes to accept responsibility for our feelings – but it enables us to acknowledge who we really are and move forward.
Take care and keep on blogging
A very honest appraisal of yourself and reading these blogs shows me the wealth of wisdom, intelligence and knowlege available just what i crave from this site, and to boot an ironical sense of humour.
Thanks and keep safe
