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In the first few months of my recovery I was summonsed to a Dept. of Works and Pensions medical to see whether I really was unfit for work. It was my first real encounter with stigma. My sick line simply said “addiction” as the diagnosis.
Now I was in a good space. I was in a very good space. I’d just come out of rehab and my life was infinitely better than it had been before I went in. Okay it was pretty bare and very challenging, but not having to drink and use daily was like having grown a pair of wings and taken to the skies.
I felt good about myself. It was such a long time since I’d felt good about myself. This meant that I was able to be a bit detached from the potentially dehumanising process of going through a benefits medical.
This confidence wobbled a bit during the interview. The doctor didn’t look at me, nor did he introduce himself. He seemed hurried and cold. He asked some cursory questions and spent less than three minutes on a physical examination. It felt like he’d rather I had died on the journey than offended him with my presence.This was like a parody of a good consultation.
Just as he was drawing to a conclusion he asked me what my previous job was. I told him that I was involved in healthcare too. Like him, I was a middle class professional.
All of a sudden his attitude changed. He sympathised with how difficult it must have been. He ooh-ed and ah-ed and met my gaze for the first time. The message was that addicts don’t amount to much. My wobble was about buying into his attitude instead of sticking with my own truth.
When I wasn’t “just” an addict he could see past the addiction. I was pretty disgusted, but curious enough to take note that this was how my clients had felt in similar situations in the past. What a valuable and hard won lesson!
From that moment on I decided never to allow anyone else to make me feel ashamed of my experiences. I hung onto the strength of my recovery and its powerful effect on changing my life. I’ve found that being clear and positive about the subject has opened more doors than it has closed.
In the last couple of weeks two friends in recovery and one client have faced processes with regulatory bodies or interview panels for jobs. All three talked with me about their fears around being stigmatised by professionals because of their addictions.
I told them about my own experience and encouraged them to be sure about the good news of recovery and the strengths it brings. I heard this week about good outcomes for two and things look like they are moving in the right direction for the third. They put shame and fear aside and focussed on the work they were able to demonstrate they’d done in recovery and its consequent rewards.
These days I may not be proud of my behaviours in active addiction, but I’m intensely proud of my recovery. If I stigmatise myself and live in shame, others will pick this up and join in. So I choose not to be my own self critic and I let go of my shame.
My experience is my strength and I will not shut the door on it. I’m more than happy to slam the door on shame and stigma. They will not take me down.
And double lock it!
I bet that doctor learned a valuable lesson that day too….well done to you for holding your head high and enabling the rest of us to do the same under similar circumstances.
Well done!
A poignant story, PeaPod, thanks for sharing this. No-one is immune to addiction and the suffering it brings, medical professionals and their families included. Stigma perpetuates the illusion that only certain types of people are at risk – this is a dangerous premise as many of us may be under false impression that we can get away with that extra drink, one more doze of painkiller or tranquilizer, etc.
I am interested to read your story, my friend. I was aware how easily doctors can depersonalise patients as in speaking blithely of “Mrs Thing and her piles”, for example, but I had never thought of how it must appear to someone suffering with addiction at a DWP examination. Why I should be surprised I do not know, since I have seen quite enough evidence of stigma when I have taken my mate to her GP. You have educated me, and I apologise for my earlier ignorance which was the product of a complete failure of imagination.
Fantastic blog peapod, and i hope your other friend has a positive outcome also. This is exactly what the march on sept 25th is all about, I hope that some of those who are in recovery and still in the closet, will come out and walk with us, and hold their head high no longer in shame. A hard won experience for sure!
thank you for sharing that. Sometimes that ‘other’ world, needs to be reminded that there is no ‘other’ world, and we are all humans, all part of same whole, all are someones child, a parent maybe, a part of this global community, we all have feelings, we all have opinons, we all have the capacity of love, the same fears of hurt and rejection.
Your story humbles me again, and again and again, when i think about what a special and humbling position i find myself i,n sharing the journey of self discovery and change with others.
So thank you, for that reminder, and for sharing your experience.
Sorry to be so practical but what was the end result for you with your assessment? were you allowed the time to concentrate on your recovery? you see I believe this assessment process looms very soon for me.
Beautiful PeaPod. Always lovely to hear your voice. Down with Shame!
Love and laughter,
Guy
