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Feeling cross with myself right now. I used earlier today (I took some speed) instead of picking up the phone and calling someone. I did think about it, but I can be so damn stubborn sometimes.
Basically, I’ve felt rubbish the last few days and decided this afternoon to take drugs to make me feel ‘better’. The thing that annoys – and worries – me the most is that I wasn’t more bothered about using again. I didn’t want to think about the consequences at all – not just for myself but the other people it affects.
I didn’t want to think about my mum who doesn’t know I started using again 5 months ago, and would be devastated, especially after all I put her through in my early 20’s.
Addiction makes me so selfish. All I thought about today was that I wanted to feel better, and that I fancied taking some speed to lift my mood. And that’s exactly what I did. How self-centred is that?
I haven’t rung my sponsor yet to tell her, but I will when I finish writing this. Pride is over-rated and I don’t want it to get in the way of me telling the truth. I’ve already told so many lies in order to hide the fact I’m a drug addict, and I’m tired of it.
I say tired because all it seems to do is make me hate myself more, then I get into a strange vicious circle that involves me both rewarding and punishing myself by taking drugs.
My whole life revolving around white powder – lifeless, souless white powder. Destroying everything that is good in my life for a white substance – it just seems ridiculous.
So why do I do it?? Yes, it gives me a sense of well-being. I feel more alert, my low mood and tiredness disappear – but I know quite well it’s short-lived.
I’ll have to deal with the ‘come-down’ which is never pleasant. I’ll be paranoid, edgy, nervous and my mood will plummet. My schizophrenic symptoms will worsen. I know the ‘people in my head’ will be loud, harsh and intrusive.
My delusions will grow stronger, and I’ll think I am travelling back in time to when I was a teenager. I’ll believe I’m talking through a younger version of myself and go through the stress of hearing myself say all manner of things to people. I’ll see and hear their reactions clearly in my mind’s eye and believe it’s actually happening.
My belief I’m time travelling back to the past may be hard to understand for some people. How can I believe something that is so obviously untrue? But that’s the nature of delusions, an unflinching ‘feeling’ that something is so.
The frustrating thing is, even though I KNOW it’s NOT possible to travel back in time and inhabit the body of a younger me, the feeling that it is actually happening is incredibly strong. I dread what I might do and say next, and of course end up saying all manner of horrible things to people I like.
I’ve lost count of the number of times it feels as if I’m humiliating myself or being humiliated. The delusions do their best to make themselves feel like a memory. Things get pretty tangled up at times, my recollection of past events gets muddled, and it can be difficult to sort it all out in my head.
I’ve digressed and for that I apologise. I suppose my point is about how destructive the ‘addict’ in me is. I’ll put myself through all manner of mental horrors for feelings and emotions that, at the end of the day are chemically manufactured and in many ways no more ‘real’ than my schizophrenic delusions.
I’m my own worst enemy. I can hear the lyrics of a ‘Radiohead’ song now – ‘you do it to yourself you do, and that’s what hurts me so. You do it to yourself you do, you and no one else. You do it to yourself.’
And I do it over and over again…
On a more positive note, I have used a lot less in the last month. The perfectionist in me wants not to have used at all. I tell myself to let it go, that what I do today is far more important – I have a say in what I do – or don’t do – today. I can’t unchoose choices already chosen, they belong to the past and cannot be changed.
I think if I keep trying and keep believing I will get clean it will happen. I WANT to get better, and I WANT to get off drugs. I hate the person I become when I’m using, and I don’t want to be that person anymore.
I’m waffling now because I’m tired, and the effects of speed are wearing off. I’m not even sure I should have made an entry while speed is still in my system. Maybe I should have left it until tomorrow… I just felt like putting some of my thoughts down here today to see if I could un-mix the mess in my head a bit.
Right now, I’m not sure how successful I’ve been…
I do know I need to ring my sponsor now, so that’s what I’m going to do. I hope I make better choices tomorrow and I also hope the next entry I write will be a happier one.
A wonderful piece of writing, so insightful. I am really pleased you did write this, as I am sure will many others be.
Zephora, you mustn’t beat yourself up over this. You are clearly making progress on your desires. Remember, recovery is a journey where slip-ups do occur. You get back up and continue to travel that road.
Take care of yourself and please keep writing. You have a talent.
Yep Zep write us another after you sleep even if you feel awful please share it with us and let us be there for you as you are being there for yourself by writing this x
Have just read your comments. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. I nearly didn’t post the above blog because I didn’t know whether it was right to post something after using. I nearly got myself into a tangle over it all before deciding to click on the ‘submit’ button. After reading your positive and supportive messages I’m glad I decided to post something now!
I spoke to my sponsor after submitting the above entry, and she helped me come up with a ‘plan of action’. I haven’t used in over 6 hours and am going to bed soon. I’ve spent some time working on Step 1 of the 12 steps so I at least feel I’m doing something useful while I’m awake. My sponsor said to ring her in the morning, and then work towards going to a support meeting. ‘T’ my sponsor is so understanding and non judgemental about it all – I’m so grateful to her for that. Oh, and I threw away the speed I had left. After writing another blog and speaking to ‘T’, my desire to take it diminished. It wasn’t that hard to do in the end and I’m glad it’s gone.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. :)) xx
It’s not our place to be judgemental.
At the same time, I will say that you seem to be doing all the right things since using. Well done!!
I like this:
“After writing another blog and speaking to ‘T’, my desire to take it diminished. It wasn’t that hard to do in the end and I’m glad it’s gone.”
All I can say is, keep writing when you’re having problems – anything that helps! And given the quality of your writing, you’re going to have a grateful audience as well.
And you could even write and tell us – I’m not having problems today!!
You take good care of yourself. My best to your sponsor as well.
You may enhance your recovery by adressing some of your thought patterns, you justify using speed to pick you up knowing the come down will send you far further down, your accepting slavery to an inaminate substance yet it’s positives are far outwayed by it’s negatives, you chose to indulge in the painful past fuelling psychological problems, all this is an irrational thought process you chose to remain in. your not powerless you have a choice in all this.
And frustratingly you have written the answers to your problems in your blog, your obviously cursed with high intelligence as your logical side realises the conflict your in, take responsability, make the choices you want to make, stop indulging, reaslise your potential for it is truelly selfish to deny the population of your obvious insight and experience.
An excellant blog, no offense intended in my reply.
I know that experience of feeling so stuck and giving yourself negative messages. For me it felt like being on a treadmill or trapped in my own groundhog day.
Treatment and rehab really helped me break the cycle, as well as sticking close to mutual aid groups (CA particularly) and getting help from those who’d done the journey before me.
Sending positive vibes.
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zephora, as others have said: it’s no help to beat yourself up! every lapse is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your addiction. you’ll get there! took me 15 years of heroin use, at least 10 years of which were attempting recovery, to finally get there! we humans are complex, vulnerable, strong, fickle, nice, nasty and, invariably, always striving to be better than we think we are!
good luck to you
zephora
please don’t beat yourself up, you took the drugs because they work, they make you feel better, that is what they do, that is exactly why millions of people take them every day.
If you learn from it then it has been useful and can help you to make more helpful choices in the future.
This does not mean you are weak or helpless, you are doing something about it, so you can’t be either.
Try to stay positve and look forward to your future and what you can do, the past is gone and you can’t change a single day of it.
Respect Carl.
zephora
thank you for sharing, if it works for you it works for me
thank you
