Aspergers and addiction

My name is Matthew and I have a mild form of Aspergers, which I believe has had a major impact on my addiction.

Having Aspergers means that I struggle to handle negative emotions, and cannot understand when people are inconsistent in their behaviour. Changes in my routine are also very difficult to cope with. All these things make me angry and often result in me lashing out at those closest to me.

I was diagnosed with mild Aspergers as a teenager but lived in denial, never seeking to find out more about it, or to learn how best to live with it.

In my late teens, I was very angry – leaving school was something that I never really came to terms with. I felt lost. It started to become clear to me that relationships were a real ordeal to me: too many questions, too much uncertainty.

I started to experiment with harder drugs, and as is my nature I quickly became addicted, if not obsessed. I found something to live for. In a very strange way drugs gave me a sense of belonging.

I can’t explain why. I suppose it was because I had a routine to stick to. Methadone in the morning before work, score after work, use, go to bed and start over.

Recovery has bought about so many changes to me. At times it has been very difficult to make sense of the world, in particular to engage with the way that people feel about me.

On the good days though, I get a real feeling of hope. I am slowly starting to accept myself, to know myself and the challenges I face on a daily basis.