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I want to say hi to you all and let you all know where I am coming from! I am in recovery, and at the moment having therapy trying to heal within and deal with my underlying core issues of shame and guilt with the many addictions I have.
I have never seen or come across a site like this one before and looks like I can certainly try and use it as one of the many tools to try and help me heal and deal with many of my underlying issues from my childhood.
I have been an addict for many years, mainly with drugs and alcohol, and it totally took over my life. At the time I just did not care in any way or form about life other than my friend, my drugs of choice.
I now realise and have so much regret and guilt for the damage and suffering I gave my loved ones. I was deceitful, cunning and stole to get my next fix. To see a site which is for addicts – both seeking recovery and maintaining recovery – and for families and loved ones, with the professionals invited in, just blows my head away. Great.
After many years of having professional counselling to support me with my own drugs of choice, I am now having professional therapy dealing with my past. This was a very scary and hard thing to decide to do. The ‘decision to heal’. I knew deep down if I did not do this I would go back to my addictions and end up dead.
As luck has it my therapist just knows how to deal with me, doesn’t try in any way to take anyone’s friend away, Like for myself, I smoke loads yet also do therapy with those who are still using. To a certain point my therapist can try to support and help those still in their addiction.
To all you members this is the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life – Full Stop! Far harder than rehabs and detoxes. Yet I am wanting to feel like a whole person, develop positive relationships and explore my potential as a human being. (I sure do hope this all makes some sort of sense to you all).
I still have a lot of anger, which I know is a powerful and liberating force, this is I think for myself is the backbone to my healing. I hope to find some form of resolution and if and when this comes I hope my feelings will begin to stabilise and I will feel like a ‘whole’ person.
What I know also is healing is not about reaching a specific point in time or any goal or finishing line. I know I will not be ‘fixed’. What happened in the past obviously affected me deeply, that will never change, but I can over time reach a place of resolution where I hope I can just get on with my life.
This site I think could play a major part of that journey for me, I have no right to suggest to others on their own journey with recovery or be judgemental to others yet I can share my own experiences with you all. I know what is in place in this country is not perfect, yet who and what is?
So I try not to feed into articles, this I think just feeds into my addiction and just does not help my own healing and recovery.
I will, if it is ok with you all, comment to many who risk blogging with caring and understanding support, I can remember the first time I went to a centre for help and was terrified walking through the doors. In many ways is similar blogging on here.
It takes us the addicts or even families and loved ones a huge amount of strength and risk to join a site and open up. I feel right now very vulnerable in going down this route. Yet Wired In members that is what I believe most of us are in recovery or seeking recovery. Yet that has taken me along time to learn and work out, that most of us at the start of our journey are fragile, precious and individually very special.
I like to think we are all miracles, something or someone out there is taking care of me. This is one of the things I know I need to also work on after therapy. I hope I will be aware of a growing sense of wholeness and peace. Yet I need to try and find a faith or belief system that I am comfortable with.
With the blogs I have read so far from all you members I feel this site just might be the right place for me to join, continue my journey and hopefully gain loads of wisdom from you all.
I will end here and just say once again to you all ‘Hello’, keep blogging and commenting, never seen a site like this one. Just great.
Welcome Martin, it’s great to have you on the site. Well done for taking your hardest step so far and facing your past. With hardship also comes great joy and I hope that this is a special time for you that brings the healing and completeness you are looking for. I hope you find the site enjoyable and supportive and I am sure your experiences will be helpful to others too.
Martin,
Welcome aboard. You are in the right place. Great blog. Many thanks.
Apologies, apologies – had a computer crash and only just back on so blog went up not properly edited.
A huge welcome Martin – and a really great blog. Am looking forward to hearing much much more from you.
Hi and welcome aboard Martin. I don’t know whether anyone has noticed (I haven’t seen a mention of it), but someone called Jees joined yesterday and made it more than 300 ex-user/in recovery/recovered members on this site. Now how cool is that. Congratulations to all the Wired-In team past and present who have made this posible, encouraged us and lightly strapped our knuckles when we needed it!!!
Hi Martin and a big warm welcome to you – I am sure you will find this a very supportive and useful resource – I have.
Good luck in your recovery and life without mood altering substances.
Many thanks to all of you for your warm comments, yesterday was a very special day, the 12th of each year I hold dear to my heart. On 12/01/2004 i was taken of the homeless and vulnerable list and moved into the home I have now.
I look forward to being on this site. Thanks to all.
Hi Martin,
Welcome to wired-in, I am sure you will find this site to be a constant source of support and understanding.
Congratulations on the strength that you’ve already shown.
You are right to highlight (in my opinion) guilt and shame as two of the driving forces behind addiction. Learning to forgive yourself for what has gone before and learning to like and respect yourself is a crucial part of the process which is recovery.
It’s easier said than done, but finding an activity which emphasises your personal strengths and allows you to help people is a great way to build confidence and self respect.
Matt
welcome Martin, thanks for sharing so honestly with us all, and i hope you enjoy being part of our wee online community… ah not so wee anymore as Rowdy mentioned earlier, please dont be afraid to join in, to some of the academic or hard to understand blogs even if it a request for “laymans terms” as i often struggle with some blogs too. I am really looking forward to hearing more from you about your ourney in recovery. big hug Annemarie x
Hiya Martin,Weldone for having the courage to write what you did and the way you worded it,i sruggle in that area.I can identify with you on so much that you mentioned,i to need to try and find a faith or belief that im comfortable with.but it’s baby steps for me im still in early days and in the short time since i’ve joined this site feel it has been a big help for me as i hope it is for you! Hope to here more in the future from you.Take care and all the best.Claire.x
Thanks claire.y I promise it is baby steps for me as well, We addicts are all the same yet differant! if that makes sense. Am not to good in blogging and expressing myself so thanks for your kind comments with all the others.
Am not oging to suggest anything as said in my blogg, i have no right to yet you will know when you feel safe and willing to share with others. breaking the silence is a good feeling.
