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Or how I used booze and dope to get me by.
Although booze is a powerful depressant and not exactly helpful to one subject to long periods of clinical depression, cannabis is a good cover for hypomania – I might have been thinking manic thoughts but being stoned was a powerful way of keeping me in check so that I did not actually do anything.
Booze was only a serious issue for the last ten years, before then drinking was kept in check by my work and the lifestyle that meant. I was driving a lot. I bailed out of the Czech Republic (the six years there were also included much drinking and drug abuse, but that’s a whole other story ) in 2000 to end up on the sick.
I was drinking more or less continuously from then until I went into rehab in 2006. By the time I stopped I was drinking six cans of strong lager a day, a level that was bound to cause permanent physical damage very soon.
The detox before rehab was as a psychiatric hospital in-patient for a week on Librium. Home detox was not an option as I live alone. Detoxed I immediately joined a rolling group at the now closed MacGarvey centre in Wells.
I travelled to and from the centre by NHS funded taxi, evenings and weekends were filled with diary and life story writing and phone calls to and from other group members. Most of the work was in a group, size varying as members came and went.
The treatment was 12 Step based – coupled with practical advice on how to avoid putting ourselves at risk. It’s much simpler to avoid risk and temptations than it is to show how tough you are by joining a group of people in a pub while clutching a pint of orange and lemonade. And anyway drunks are at best boring.
I had only been there two days for alcoholism when the group leader ’suggested’ that I introduce myself by saying ‘I am an alcoholic and addict’. I even had a small packet of skunk to get me through the night when I first came out of hospital and off the Librium.
For the first two months I was scared that a random drugs test would catch me out but fortunately, although breathalysers were used at least once a week, I was I think four months in and clean before the first drugs test.
MacGarvey was unique as far as I know, in that participation was open ended, unlike the usual thirteen week model. People finished when the staff decided that either an individual was ready to go it alone or that the group could not do any more for an individual.
At six months I became one of the latter and ‘asked’ to leave. No matter, I did not pick up and slowly regained my physical health and reached three years clean and sober. I followed the advice I was given and went to every AA and NA meeting I could get to and found fellowship with a disparate group of people whose common aim was the desire to stay sober.
The received wisdom says 100 meetings in 100 days which is what I did – using the local bus and train services. The meetings I went to were mostly all in the area covered by what is known as the Wiltshire Intergroup, where I met many fellow alcoholics in various stages of recovery.
After a while I was being offered lifts to those meetings I could not reach by public transport. As I heard others share their experiences, I began to understand that I was no longer alone!
The only requirement for membership of AA is the desire to stop drinking. My daughter was very supportive and let me borrow her car whenever she could so that I could get to as many meetings as possible. I was being a holiday home for a succession of dogs at the time, of course they came with me and the various meetings wondered which dog I would appear with next.
Dog minding was an essential part of my recovery as I recovered my physical strength and fitness. All good for almost three years and I had the confidence to re-enter the workplace .I worked for about six months as a taxi driver (the process of getting a hackney licence was a great test of patience), but I overdid it and went down into a very deep depression.
And then I relapsed. It started with a few tokes at an outdoors party, bought my own skunk, then could not get hold of any so I started drinking again to the point of the DTs which I’d never experienced before. A friend took me to Turning Point in Wells where I was advised to have a physical check up so that they’d know what they were dealing with.
My GP came out to see me (I was incapable of getting to the surgery), saw how ill I was and arranged an ambulance admission to the Royal United Hospital in Bath. I was detoxed with, I think, Librium again then discharged.
The same friend that had taken me to Wells collected me from Bath and brought me home and kept on eye on me. But right up until the end of 2009, I isolated myself and hid away from the world. But I did not pick up and I was getting support from the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team).
The psychiatrist tried me on different regimes of anti-depressants; I was getting ready to ask for ECT, to agree to anything that might end the depression. I got through Christmas and New Year OK, then one day in the first week of January, I was not depressed any more.
Not the next day, nor the day after that. Nor now. I think that is due mostly to my acceptance that I suffer from bipolar mood disorder. In just the same way I’d had to accept that that I was an alcoholic/addict, I had to accept that I am bipolar.
Certainly those around me have noticed a dramatic change as I re-engage with the world after spending most of my time asleep or wanting to be asleep again. For me bipolar is a condition to be carefully managed just like alcoholism and addiction.
Hi warriet – thanks so much for this. It’s interesting to hear from someone who has struggled with cannabis, as it doesn’t feature as much on these pages as, perhaps, it should do.
I say this because last week uchooseit (my other job) was asked to run workshops in two NACRO hostels for young people – with cannabis use being the main theme.
All of these young people had been thrown out of home, school etc. and got into offending behaviour as a result of cannabis use.
Hi Michaela – if it help others…
My personal experience and observation of others is that in the same way that a percentage of the population are susceptible to alcohol a percentage of the population are susceptible to cannabis. A person can drink heavily without becoming an alcoholic, just as can get very stoned on occasion without being a pothead. i.e. they are lucky, they can take it or leave it. I think that cannabis is not viewed as a societal problem because users don’t frighten the horses in the same way that drunks, crackheads or smackheads do. I have been to many AA and NA meetings, A cannabis user can be just a much an addict as someone who has been mainlining heroin to the point where he/she has no veins left, in the same way that the daily sherry tippler can be just as much an alcoholic as the homeless chemical cider drinker on a park bench.
I believe that cannabis misuse is very much an over-looked problem in our society because potheads only harm themselves and immediate families and friends. They don’t even put much extra load on the NHS. I hope your NACRO workshops have helped at least some see that their is a causal relationship between their cannabis use and the unmanageable state of their lives
Pucker from the heart blog warriet, am chuffed you had the strength to write, cannabis made myself psycotic, totally. Pucker you have brought this up for discussion.
Am proud to see you wite about your condition bipolar, a much unknown condition to deal with, I have friend with the 24/7 problem in dealing with it. You are so right in saying it is very similuar in how to manage it only a daily basis similar to drink and drugs, i might add as well as many other addictions that are out there.
Pucker to read warriet, well done for coming though all you have and are coping with.
You’re not alone. Drugs induced psychotic symptoms for me: I spent a good six months utterly convinced that I was the messiah. I also recall the delusional paranoia – where I was convinced the government were following me. What a life!
Alcohol and cannabis (and Diazepam for that matter) took me out of dangerous mania, but the come down was a lot worse than coming down from E. And the coke and the uppers pushed me into many hypomanic states – I’d rather not recall those days!
A combination of Lithium, Venlafaxine and Olanzapine stabilizes my mood – for now!
Peace out.
Keiran
Thank you Martin, it is good to know that I am not alone and that there is another that has experienced the consequences of the psychosis inducing grade C drug that most users believe to be innocuous. you encourage me to write more: I am blogging, writing my life story, at http://warriet.wordpress.com/ from which wired in took the first draft as the submission to this site. The blog is work in progress, the more I write the more I understand about just how much I used and drank as self-medication for manic depression.
warriet, am smiling! I have just written a blog about my exerience of cannabis because of your bog and have now just read the other comments, pucker to share everyone.
That was a really good reflection of how it was and myself well a similar story and if I ran out of money and I was craving for a drink if it was not tied down Id flog it even if it wasnt mine.Totally out of control 24/7.
An aquantance in bedsits I ended up in after the house was reposessed had a relation with a skunk factory and left his bag of skung in a carrier bag,yes a plastic bag full of skunk and I smoked it over a week or so and I cannot remember nothing,luckily no psychosis but a very dangerous place to go.
Whilst I lived on the street city to city seeing different doctors I was diagnosed with everything under the sun as far as mental illness goes and at the time the quantity of alcohol probally brought about these symptoms. Your Bi-polar will be much more manageable now your off all drugs except your prescription medication.Ive Stenosis in my neck so I have to watch how I go with medication.My depression is gone or should I say maybe a small occurence around twice a year.
It was really good of your daughter to lend you the car and you banged the meetings in to help the change process work, I did exactly the same.A lot of us self medicated to control stress brought about by different reasons and once we are clean and sober the balance in our lives is restored a chemical change in our brain takes place in time and our thinking is different, I learnt non-linear thinking which means that their is always a different solution to whatevers going on if we look carefully.
Your doing great and it was a pleasure to read your story.
Chris:, thank you or the above, what I wrote above was the beginning of a blog I’ve started at http://warriet.wordpress.com/ which is turning into a life story. David
Warriet, thanks for sharing your story. Using can certaintly mask or treat many of the symptoms of mental health conditions and for many, a part of recovery is finding out what’s what, acceptance, treatment, management and moving on. Continue to learn about yourself and re-engage with the world. I’m sure your story will help others too. It’s interesting to hear you talk about your relationship with cannabis. Hopefully more sharing and learning will follow on other blogs. All the very best :-)
Sarah, thank you for this. The story above is changing, as I blog at http://warriet.wordpress.com/, in effect my life story, I realise just how much cannabis was part of my life, sharing and learning continues. The process of writing is therapeutic for me, I hope that others may learn something about themselves too. David
Thank you for your story. I am also bipolar and abused cannabis and alcohol and other substances for many, many years in an attempt to control what I did not realize were symptoms of my illness. I am now on effective medication, clean and sober and living a much better life. I wish you all the best. -Lisa
Lisa: thank you, I think that’s where I am right now and I am loving it :) I am writing some sort of lifestory at http://warriet.wordpress.com/, follow me there if you like to watch it unfold but more seriously,I’d appreciate your feedback if you think I’m losing the plot I’ve only just found: in the way tat alcoholism find and maintain their sobriety within the fellowship of their fellow alcoholics, ditto addicts, I am finding much succour in the company of fellow bipolars.. David
Hi David
Glad to hear you are feeling good at Spring time.
A film you may be interested in is the Living Matrix – explains the latest views on medical models and how to address many conditions with a new perspective.
The Universe is constantly changing and you are the person you are in this moment – the more you focus on this achievment of an amazing recovery and the more you will feel positive and hold that space.
My heart goes out to you – you have had such a tough journey and recognition of your strength and your courage for yourself is very important. How wonderful it must feel to have arrived at this other place on the spectrum .
The more you can connect to positive people and the more balanced your energy will be.
From an energy perspective bipolar usually comes from your true self being submerged for a long long time and pushed further and further down – then when an opportunity arises that feels safe to be yourself up pops the energy like a champagne cork from under the water. The energy is so repressed it becomes too much for a time.
We all have aspects of this – as we all have varying addictions.Mostly we don’t have this awareness though.
Hugs Jo
Thank you Jo, for you comments, Living Matrix and for noticing. The CMHT were at first worried that the dramatic turn around might be the first sign of a hypermanic episode, others are probably waiting anxiously for the black dog to bite again but I am good as I begin to understand who and what I am. My self-management is fairly simple – I eat when I am hungry and sleep when tired. My psychiatrist has stopped the anti-depressant and I am now down to a very modest 2.5 mg of Olanzapine. Each day brings more opporunties to be myself which is an interesting and fun thing to be and as like invariably attracts like, I am connecting with positive people in virtual and more importantly day at a time real life where shit happens and where I can empathise, advise and sometimes be of practical help. My favourite part of AA/NA meetings was the ‘promises’ and I have not lost sight of what I learnt there (and use any excuse I can to quote the serenity prayer at closet DM readers I come across in places like Facebook or the queue at a local shop) So far my blogging has been sporadic, mostly because I am busy doing. there is a book in me and, having discussed with published writers, realise that my usp is my memory and the fact that it is all true, either by direct personal experience or because I spoke or rather listened to someone who was there.
Again, thank you hugs or as they say in Welsh, cwtch
David
