Kiri’s story - part four

The world seemed so fast when I got out, I couldn’t cope with reality. I was depressed and ended up relapsing back to heroin to take all the stress, hurt, pain and memories away. I wasn’t ready to deal with my past and deal with my addiction and it was hard to keep going.

Many times I used to sit thinking about ending it all and only one thing stopped me from doing that, my mum and dad. What would they think of me if I took my own life? And I wasn’t going to keep letting them down, time after time.

So you can imagine where I ended up. Back in jail and for once it wasn’t my fault. I’d been released on a tag with a curfew but the box and equipment was faulty and it wasn’t picking my presence up in the flat where I was living.

Even though I had attended all probation appointments and not re-offended, one night I was laid on my sofa when a knock came on my flat door. When I opened it I was greeted by two uniformed police officers, with a warrant for my arrest, no court, straight to HMP Newhall.

There was nothing I could do, so I packed some clothes as I knew I wouldn’t be getting out any time soon as my original release date was January 2009. So there I was, back to square one. In prison, still hooked on heroin and sat on a group four bus back to jail.

Luckily I had my clothes this time and I knew the regime. So once I got on the working wing (100 women working 7 days a week from 8.15am to 6.30pm) I got straight back into work, working in the laundry. I was knacked and slept from around 8pm to morning call for work. So my time was flying be. All I wanted to do was go home. I wanted my mum.

Then, out of the blue, I was called to reception and told I was being shipped out to a open prison in York. In one way I was looking forward to the more relaxed rules and environment but it was a lot further away from home than I liked.

But I only had six weeks left and it was Christmas in a few weeks so I agreed. Well I had to, as I didn’t have a say in the matter. So I said my goodbyes and wrote home to tell my mum the news, packed my belongings and off I went to York.

I was in York for Christmas. It was horrible and I now knew that finally I was ready to deal with the demons that had haunted me for all these years and I knew how I had to change my life. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and it would take time but I was determined to do it.

So little by little I started putting things in place to sort my life out once and for all. I just kept going, day by day. I knew that when I was ready to deal with the past and move on with my life my mum and dad would be there to help me every step of the way.

So when I was released on January 7th 2009 I had made a lot of plans and made a lot of decisions I knew I had to put in place straight away.

First I had to leave my partner at the time because there was no love there. He used and now was the time to change and make a fresh start. So I did. I left everything, lost my home and moved back in with my mum and dad.

I left him with everything, but it was all material and could be replaced in time. I needed to do it, I needed a fresh start. So little by little I was getting there and yes, it was hard. It’s a battle every day, but it’s a battle worth fighting.

I had my teeth pulled out and a set of false teeth made and the difference is unbelievable. They make me look so different. I now have a new partner who has never touched drugs in his life and I now know what true love feels like.

I know how to love and I now know the joy of being loved, and it feels great. We are so happy and he is aware or my past drug use and lifestyle and is very supportive of me. I am still living at home with my mum and dad and am doing great.

I have so many things in my life now I never thought I would have, and it feels great. I can now smell flowers and taste food and the grass really looks greener. It’s mad how things change when you’re using drugs.

I have a wardrobe full of new clothes I’ve always dreamed of, a new TV divx player, a new laptop, new shoes, boots and money in my pocket. I can buy presents for my mum and dad, help my mum out with cash and give it her, not begging for it back.

Being able to walk with my head held high and say “Yeah, I was a heroin addict but look at me now. Change is possible if you want it bad enough.”

I have also put on three stone in about 11 months. The last time I got weighed was 12 months ago and I was 6 stone 6. I got weighed this week and I am now 9 stone 6 and you know what? I feel fantastic for it!

The trust I now have with my mum and dad (and I can see it in their eyes) it means the world to me. Oh, and I now have a full set of teeth it’s great.

Life is finally fantastic and am loving every second of it. So thank you mum and dad and Stephen for being my rocks when I needed you all so much….