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There has been a lot of really powerful personal stories featured on this site as of late. So in the spirit of openness, I thought I would go in to a bit more detail about my life. Those of you who have read aspergers and addiction and the curse of the perfectionist will already know a bit.
You mention aspergers to some people and they think Dustin Hoffman in rain man. It is true that it is on the autistic spectrum, but aspergers is not autism. Many people who have (or who had) aspergers have been very succesful, including Einstein and Bill Gates. Even pop stars such as Gary Numan have it.
The part of your brain that deals with social cues and emotional responses is under developed. With people like me with a very mild form of the syndrome this can go almost unnoticed most of the time. Sure people think we are a little shy, but in a familiar environment we can function very well.
It is just that you learn to adapt to your new environment through an intellectual process, it doesn’t come naturally. This is why people crave familiarity and struggle with change. The process of change is a real struggle and requires a lot of cognitive restructuring.
All this is probably a bit scientific and some of you may be asking how this relates to addiction and recovery, well there is nothing more familiar than the routine of a heroin addict. All you have to worry about is finding your next hit. The culture of inner city heroin addicts doesn’t require a great deal of social etiquette, if you’ve got money to score then you’re more than welcome.
Then there is recovery, and the self-acceptance that comes with it. The truth is that I wouldn’t admit to the reality of my situation until 6 months ago. As I have said before, it can be hard being seen as different. It can be hard being seen as cold and detached.
But as I said in a reply to one of Tony’s recent blogs, there is nothing I can do to change it (well, little I can do). It is neither right or wrong, it is just me. We are ALL different in so many ways.
I am now seeing a doctor to help with developing that side of my brain, I am becoming more comfortable with things such as public speaking. As I have said before I am a true believer in the human capacity for change, to overcome huge obstacles, to show true resilience. The difference is now that I want to improve my life for ME and not just to be accepted.
Thanks you all for providing me with a platform to share this story
Matt
Matthew – I know how tough this journey has been at times for you and I can only marvel at how far you have come. This is a truly brave thing to share. ‘Otherness’ is hard enough to live with but to take it by the scruff of the neck and tackle it shows true courage.
Thanks for this Mathew,
“we are ALL different in so many ways’..absolutely agree..and it’s through sharing our differences and being open to the experiences and realities of others that I believe we find community and recovery.
Take care,
Alistair
Hi matt
Nice work
I work in a recording studio and after a year of doing so I have come to realise that genius creativity never ever ever ever comes from a solid foundation… ever…!
It is plucked from chaos from folk that have had little to do with mainstream society.
I’m sooooo glad I chose the path I did, looking back now that is, it wasn’t a bed of roses at the time but I use my life experiences in a creative way and I don’t just mean my time sheet at the end of the week!
Viva le difference!
Mx
Hey Matt, good blog!
I never heard of aspergers syndrome before so i just read a really good description of it on http://www.nas.org.uk/asperger/
i have to say some of the symptoms really struck a chord with me, maybe i have it mildly too….. you mentioned public speaking – i go to s**t when i’m put whey out of my comfort zone too. maybe everyone has it so some degree. interesting to read that its mostly us blokes that get it – more than women that is. you learn something every day.
the fact you can open up and talk about it is a triumph against asperger in its self.
Pucker Matt, Loved reading all, I have a huge framed poster, massive above my desk with a wonderful picture of an island and a old boat, the words say uder it.
“DESTINY”
The choices we make, not the chances we take, determine our destiny.
I looked up at it after reading you pucker blog and just felt fitting to share.
Wonderful Pucker blog.
Thanks for the supportive feedback all,
Talking about it really does help. If I can also help people understand a little more about the autistic spectrum then that is great.
Matt, I have read that link and you’re right it does give a very good description of aspergers. The main points I picked up on were how it effects people in many different ways. The main problem for me is having to constantly second guess what people are thinking and what they feel. When I find my guesses may have been wrong I get angry and confused. I question everything that I know about the people concerned.
Only 1 in 200 people have been diagnosed with aspergers but experts say that it very much under-diagnosed. Many people (and you’re right, it is mainly men, we tend not to have the same command of communication as women) may show some of the symptoms, but I think the main question to ask is about how you form your opinions about people. Do you get a “gut feeling”, because I tend not to, I tend to have to observe people over weeks and months in order to find out what they are like.
Thanks again all for showing empathy and sympathy, because I’m not looking for pity and I’m pleased to say that no-one has taken it.
Matt
Matt, it’s interesting to hear about how it can affect people on a day-to-day basis. It’s great that you sound like you’re going through a process – of acceptance, learning and sharing! I too am a great believer in human’s capacity for change – and I love the fact that you want that for yourself – not just for acceptance. I think we can all learn something from that!
Thanks so much for this blog Matthew. You are a true hero in what you are overcoming and in being such a great contributor to this forum.
