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This blog is something I need to write and add to when I can over the coming months whilst caring for my mother at home after her heart operation. I feel this goes beyond taking my daily inventory and some thoughts I am not willing to share openly at meetings. It will be something I can look back on, I hope, and learn from.
DAY 1
It suddenly hit me in the face whilst I was in attendance at a parenting course yesterday. The text from my brother telling me my mum was being finally discharged from hospital made me aware of how much I’ve been putting this day to the back of my mind.
Every time I’ve bounced back home when the shit’s hit the fan in the past it’s been even harder to maintain some sort of independence within the family unit. The feelings of worthlessness and my low self esteem did nothing to help either.
I’ve been living back home with my mum now for about 3 years. Since my relationship broke down with my ex and I had nowhere to live my mum offered for me to move back home. I was still, at that time, trying to live in the same house as my ex for my daughter’s sake.
But, I felt this was prolonging a final outcome within my ex partners head and making the situation worse. We argued more and my chronic relapsing every few months was not helping the situation one bit. So we kind of all agreed that me moving back home would benefit everyone; although I don’t think my mum seriously knew what she was letting herself in for.
This makes it all the more difficult for me at present with my self centered attitude in feeling that she is dependent on me for so much. Whilst she was in hospital there was a certain sense of the umbilical chord being cut. That independent living I’ve so desperately wanted to get back seemed very real. Yesterday though that all changed.
I lay in bed last night with my alarm set for 6.00am and feeling quite angry and scared. “How am I gonna cope with this for the next 3 months?” was the prominent thought. I can get very macabre with the role playing in my head believe me!
I used to imagine myself holding my daughter in my arms whilst she died after being hit by a drunk driver. The role plays are usually centered around me though and what I’m doing and how I’m feeling rather than anything else.
It was no different last night when I imagined my mother suddenly dying in the night and how it would effect my situation at home. I’m trying my best to arrange care with my two brothers who fortunately are both living back at home themselves due to circumstances.
If it wasn’t for my younger brother being here I don’t know how well I would of coped yesterday and I’m really grateful he was here. We’ve almost got a timetable together for when we’ve all got our own important things to do, the most important being our contact with our children. (Yes! We’re all separated!).
Yet I start to feel somewhat guilty when I say I need to go to at least three meetings a week as I know they will not understand the reasoning for this. I get the impression they think this is me time (which it is in effect) and I’m somehow shifting responsibility on to them. Think I need to look at this though and maybe turn it around in the next day or two!)
I can already see after one night that my mum is going to be ‘difficult’ to look after. Her impression was that things would be easier if she could just get home and lie in her own bed. This of course didn’t make a difference because it’s not the bed that’s the problem. I think she’s starting to realise herself what a battle she’s in for. She realised this morning that coping with the stairs at home is not going to be as easy as she anticipated either.
I’m off this morning to see my support worker as he asked me yesterday if I could come in because they wanted to do a ‘Richter Scale’ assessment with me. I’m trying hard at the moment, even writing this, to convey my true feelings because I feel quite emotional. Is it self pity? I don’t know I just needed to write this whilst ‘fresh’ (or as fresh as I can be!). I guess this is where we separate the men from the boys as they say!
Love and Light
Phil
xx
I think that one of the things those of us in recovery forget that, no matter how hard we strive, we will never be perfect.
I would say that you are currently running through a whole range of emotions in response to a stressful event. I suspect that these will settle in their own good time.
I don’t think we can judge ourselves on what we feel – but on what we do.
Pucker Phil – loads of respect with your blog, I like above comment to, a hard time for you to deal and cope with. In many ways it may be of confort to you writing this blog rather than sharing at meetings.
Many could possibly reply “I know how you feel!” Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
That angers me, as only you know how you are feeling and coping.
Keep strong and my thoughts are here for you with loads of respect.
Can I echo what Michaela says, Phil. You have a lot going on that is stressing, so it is no surprise you are feeling emotional and nervous.
It was an excellent idea to blog this, not just for yourself (which is so important) but also to others who can learn from you (and know they are not the only one to be experiencing the same thing as you).
Things will settle down.
My best wishes.
DAY 2
I won’t be writing everyday of course!
I think one of the most important messages I took from speaking to my sponsor yesterday is that these selfless acts we do for others will have far greater rewards in the future for us. It may not seem that way right now but I need to put my trust in what my intuition is telling me and listen to my heart and not my head. The thing about us addicts/alcoholics is that we don’t like change, especially when that means we have more responsibilities with that change.
I am totally reminded of a situation here early on in recovery when I wanted to move from the family home into a shared ‘dry house’ with other volunteers in The Social Partnership. My reasoning was I wanted the independence back and I needed to start standing on my own two feet. The real reason was I was fixing myself emotionally with a girl who lived in the property and I wanted to be close to her. Little did I know she was already in a relationship with someone who lived in the house!. I struggled so hard against listening to the advice of my support worker, my focal counselor and my sponsor. I’ve learned to trust today that when I’m battling against my self will it usually means I know deep down it is not the right thing for me to do. I turned this back on myself yesterday and realised that I’m angry with myself really not my mum. I know, I need to give myself a break like you good people have suggested. After doing a Rickter Scale assessment with my support worker yesterday I too came to realise that in other areas of my life I am procrastinating and being lazy. I’ve had worries recently about my benefits being stopped and being ‘thrown’ back onto JSA. The drop in money will again be a drastic change in many respects. Thoughts of “How will I cope?” have been plaguing me for a while. I can’t be a martyr here but at the same time I feel it may be the kick up the arse I need to get out there again and pursue my goals. I came away feeling very confident yesterday that I know what I need to do. I’ve been searching the internet last night for courses in Music Therapy. I’ve contacted my shamanic healer and have asked for her guidance too. I put my family first last night and this morning I’m gonna spend it sitting with my mum telling her how I’ve felt these past few weeks. I’m a chronic people pleaser and I’m easily lead which at times causes great resentments when I feel I’m being ‘cornered’. I have to remember that we are both in the process of healing here though so easy does it (as they say!)
Thank you all for your kind words of support.
Love to you all
Phil
xx
Phil, it’s really interesting to read your thoughts and life in these blogs. It sounds like you’re in the brave place of really looking at yourself and that you’re doing this because you want to develop to a place you are more comfortable with. Your honesty is great. I hope that this is a fruitful time for you and that things are OK at home with your Mum and bros. And you’re right – when we give, we receive. And you’re right, it may not always seem like this at the time but tust in this and your intuition
Nice to get clarity in the haze of our behavioural fog isn’t it, we tend to constantly question our intentions and feelings, eg is it selfishness or self preservation, how can i cope, yet we do cope for theres no choice but to cope, yet we create issues and chaos were there is no need, i hope your mums doing OK and i send my best wishes for her recovery, look after you to Phil, thanks for an honest blog.
Thank you for your comments Sarah and Tony.
DAY 5
Yesterday In the midst of trying to apply for an Attendance Allowance online on the DWP’s website (that was a chore and a half as I kept getting logged out and loosing previous information I’d inputted) I kept getting bursts of inspiration for a new video project I want to do. My feeling is that I’ve calmed down a lot and that behavioural fog Tony talks off is slowly starting to ascend.
Although, I still feel quite strange shall we say in respect of the role reversal with my mum. She has always been my ‘rock’ in the past for emotional support and I can’t get used to this idea of me being the adult (so to speak) and her the child. I’m still a big child myself as far as my emotional intelligence goes and at times I’m a bit uneasy with it all.
But overall my mum’s had a good night and although I’m still very tired after being up early most mornings and occasionally through the night I do still manage to get that ME time. Had a really good swim with my 5 year old daughter on Wednesday evening and followed on to a meeting after that which was very much needed!
Tons to do today so can’t stop here ‘chatting’!
Love and Light
xx
