No big deal?

Saturday was my birthday. Not the anniversary of my actual birth but the calender day on which a few years ago I had my last drink. Until this day I have, through some miracle and a great deal of help, remained clean and sober.

Around this time I always say to myself, “It’s no big deal, it’s just another day.” But I find myself in a very reflective mood. I consider my life, what it was, what I had become and who I am now. This really blows my mind!

I had drunk with abandon ever since I discovered alcohol, using every substance that came my way. I took to them all like a duck to water. Forever thinking that this might be just what I need, this will change the way I feel deep down, this will change who I am, this might fix me.

I think, perhaps I always carried with me a deep sense of loss, felt a grief deep within that I couldn’t explain or turn to face. A fear of life and all its trouble. For I felt that life was sure to be trouble for me. Of course no-one could ever know these feelings, so they were buried, deep, and covered over with drink and drugs, with lies, falsehood, shame….and money and girls and pride and every thing I could find to weigh them down.

But like fear filled bubbles these feelings rose to the top. I became a boiling mess of pain and anger no amount of drink could still.

And then I broke. And by some miracle found myself among people like myself, people like you, who knew how to get by. For at first it was getting by, those baby steps to the future became stronger and more assured and I was on my feet.

Today the miracle of having two lives in one lifetime is a wonder beyond anything I could have imagined. I am happy, healthy and free.

If you asked me today, “What is recovery?”, I’d say freedom.

Life is sometimes difficult, sometimes painful and often confusing but that’s just life.

Thank you for all the work you put in to make this place happen, its so very needed and appreciated.

Yours. M.