Louis: A personal story (part three)

I shared a flat with a friend for the next couple of years. Drinking continued. I was constantly in blackout drinking, coming to sat on pavements at 3am, in bed with people, never knowing what I had done the night before, drinking because of the shame of what I may have done, having to drink to get to work, drinking at work, turning up for work after drinking.

I found the reason this happened, it was because of my past. If I sorted my past out the drink wouldn’t hit me like it did and I wouldn’t do things I wish I hadn’t.

I went to see my doctor, they referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said they wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I refused to take them. With the panic attacks it became impossible for me to put any drugs prescribed or otherwise into my system without having a full blown attack. I was not willing to do this.

The psychiatrist said they would refer me to see a psychologist, but for this to happen they thought my drinking might affect treatment. Apparently it was a condition for treatment that I not drink. The psychiatrist thought I might have a problem so would arrange for someone to come see me.

I forgot about the person coming to see me from the alcohol relapse team. Unfortunately, I forgot about the visit and was drunk when they visited. The lady that came said they couldn’t help me and transferred me somewhere else.

The alcohol counsellor I met was great and we went through all the standard practices of controlled drinking, alcohol diaries etc, but she realised and got me to realise this wasn’t going to be as easy as we both first thought. A lot of my past issues were coming up as we spoke and she said when she reported it she was told that she was not qualified or allowed to go into these.

Her job was with alcohol. I was meant to go there for 6 weeks, that was how long they expected it to take for each client to gain control of their drinking. I went for 6 months and still had no control. The counsellor then suggested I go to AA for support, as she could only give me support for one hour once a week that went to a fortnightly, then monthly.

I went to AA. I was very nervous and didn’t really hear anything while I was there. I got a carry out when I got home and drank it down quicker than ever. I went again the next night, but I didn’t drink when I left this time, something must have happened at that first visit for me to go back. I went again a few more times and hadn’t drank.

I went to visit my mum for my birthday. I hadn’t had a drink in 3 weeks. While I was visiting my mum, I carried on doing the same things I would normally do, pouring her drinks etc. My mum had bought a case of beer for my visit. I said I wasn’t drinking but I kept looking at it.

I said to myself I could control it. I would just have 4, which I did. The next night I allowed myself 4 more cans as I had been so good. The next night was the last time I drank. I started drinking and I couldn’t stop, I could not seem to fill the thirst I had and 16 cans later in a blackout I made it to my bed.

To be continued……..

Click for part one and part two

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