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I would like to tell Perry’s story. Of his descent into heroin addiction and his untimely death. Perry was 18 when he came to his mother and myself to tell us he had a problem. Right here we go again. It wasn’t the first time he came to us with a problem. But what a problem!
To be told by your son that he is addicted to heroin (he called it kit). I was thinking what the **** is kit. We knew he took drugs but didn’t know the extent of the problem.
It all started when he was 13 years old. Up till that age he was a normal kid or so we thought. One of Perry’s passions in life was body building. He would go up to our local sports centre nearly every day for his body building sessions.
On this Friday evening, on his way up to the sports centre, he was attacked by two boys. They beat him badly. They shot Perry 7 times with an air gun and had him in the death kneel, trousers around his ankles and going to put a stick you know where.
But a lady was passing by at the time and shouted at them. Perry ran to the sports centre and the guy that took the body building session phoned us. This is when we started to lose Perry and the nightmare began. His character changed overnight, he then started to hang around with a different set of friends, and this was the first hint of drugs in Perry’s life.
About a year later there was a knock on the door and it was the police. Perry and friends had broke into a caravan down in the holiday park, Perry got caught and the police said they found cannabis in the caravan. Perry was starting to get out of control (you wonder why) and we didn’t know what to do. So his grandmother said Perry could go and live with them in London and start a new life.
We didn’t want him to go but we didn’t know what to do, what was best for Perry. Just a little side note, after the beating I took Perry to the doctors for help and the doctor referred Perry to a child psychologist and this is another story – not for now.
His mother and I decided to let Perry go to London. A bad mistake as the problems got worse. Think about it, a year before he was badly beaten and the next thing he was away from his family.
Perry found a new set of friends and they were in the drug culture and now alcohol was involved. School started to suffer and the drugs and alcohol were continuing. Perry’s behaviour was getting out of control, his grandparents couldn’t handle him and he was 450 miles away from us.
Perry’s grandparents were very good friends with foster carers who work with kids who have drug and alcohol problems and they also knew Perry’s history. Perry went to live with them. Another big mistake. We should have brought him home.
He was 15 at the time and school was out of the window by now. Perry got ready for school but never went. Perry and his friends went where ever they went to do their drugs and drink alcohol. This is when Perry dropped a bomb shell.
He was raped at the age of eight when we lived in Thetford Norfolk (do you see a pattern starting to emerge). In his short 15 years on this earth he was raped then, later on in his life, he was beaten to a pulp. His mother and I knew nothing of the rape until then. You can understand the road he took to mask the trauma.
I’m going to stop at this point but will finish Perry’s story later. I still have trouble dealing with it when I write Perry’s story, and seeing it in print it makes me see all the mistakes that were made.
Keith Fowler
Click here for part one
I think it can be incredibly hard as a parent to make the right decisions. As a survivor of childhood abuse myself I still remember finding the experiences very difficult to process and, like Perry, it took until my teens to disclose it.
I think parents can feel that it is their fault that their child has not told them until so much later. But if it makes any sense sometimes it is only when you get towards adulthood that you can find the words.
This can make it very hard on parents who know something is wrong but are essentially missing a key part of the puzzle.
I don’t know what the answer is, or even if there is one, except that it is not the fault of either the parents or the person who has been abused. But so often it seems to be those very people who seem to shoulder the guilt and blame.
Keith,
We can only do what we think best at the time. We cannot look back after a tragedy and judge that certain decisions were mistakes – and we certainly cannot blame ourselves. How do you know that if you had done something different, something better would have happened?
You cannot shoulder the guilt and blame, although it is a common event in these sorts of circumstances. You were as loving and caring as any parent could be, you tried to help. You were NOT responsible for the bad things that happened to Perry.
Please take care of yourself and your family Keith. Remember those lovely times you had with Perry. Those lovely memories are what you want to cherish and enjoy. You need to try and stop carrying the burden of guilt. It does not help and I think you know it.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I know it will help others and I truly hope it helps you. My very best from down under. David
Oh Keith,
I was abused as a child, but could not disclose until I was 45, by which time my mother was dead and my father was dementing.
I believe that David is correct, guilt is a futile emotion. I would go further and say that this applies even if one bears responsibility for events.
I try to keep the good times in the forefront of my mind, and while I acknowledge the bad, by that very acknowledgment, I strip them of their power.
Geph.
Thanks people for all the nice comments, I am annoyed with my self for being brought into Perry’s story. I have from the beginning wanted to tell Perry’s story but wasn’t ready, but now I am and I hope it will help other families who are going through similar circumstances to see the red flags that are popping up every were in Perry’s life and get the support and help that’s needed. The only reason I have made the comment about my self is as I have said its still very hard to write about Perry. I don’t blame my self or any body, I don’t even blame Perry, as for the guilt there is a still a lot, more so know for what I have learnt through the Trust, why could I have not done this when Perry was alive I would have been better placed to support Perry. The guilt is a natural emotion and I am dealing with it. I am going to finish Perry’s story and then write my story and what it felt like for me.
Keith Fowler
Keith, thankyou so much for this, I admire you trying to write Perrys story, as difficult as this might be, I am positive it will be useful and theraputic for you and those of us who read it now and in the future.
I am also looking forward to hearing your story, thankyou again for your courage, my full respect.
Annmarie x
