Meeting

Hello everyone

As some of you might know I went to meet with L this morning who told me that my son had died. In fact the words she used were, “I’m sorry but Michael is dead”.

Bitterness, resentment, accusation. None of these things happened for me – it was a warm, healing meeting. Yes it was difficult and painful, I think both of us were anxious. L gave me a hug when she saw me and we sat and chatted for nearly two hours. Her honesty and humility were a credit to her depth of personality.

I felt comforted by her presence, and although we both acknowledged that the way I was told was not right or supportive, L was able to tell me what led her to make that phone call and I was able to ask some questions.
On reflection I feel part of me is starting to heal and, whilst I still feel so pained by Michaels death, I feel this morning I started to take a positive step forward.

All of the other more formal questions should be answered by the NHS inquiry.

A lot of what L and I talked about will remain between the two of us. As the honesty at times would not bring Michael back and we both hope to raise concerns and hope that things will change as a result of his death.

Next week I will be taking another step on my journey when I meet the staff who cared for Michael during his three months stay in hospital. Many of whom have been very disturbed by his death. I will reflect at what I hope to get out of the meeting, maybe ask some questions. But I am hoping this will be a time of healing and reflection, not one of who is to blame.

The formal inquiry should answer those more indicting questions.

Over the weekend I think I will take some time to write about the days following Michael’s death and how I ended up in hospital. Because I need to face a few truths here, and the choices I made whether through a conscious or unconscious decision.

You know what. You are all a great bunch and when I win the lottery I will invite you all to a big party (gosh this is a funny feeling – to feel a sense of joy!). Oops I’ve just remembered I don’t do the lottery!

Should I be feeling this when Michael is no more than a tub of ashes? But then that is no longer Michael. My son will and always will be the loveliest of men and even at his lowest I longed to hear his voice so that I knew he was alright. Michael’s spirit will linger on and his legacy to me is hope – hope for my future.

Thank you Michael, and thank you to all my Wired In friends.

Love Sue x