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All I wanted was to stop using drugs and then I thought my life would be fixed. Stopping using has allowed the space in time to be created for me to do the repairs necessary for me to be happy, joyous and free. The longer I’m clean, the more I grow.
Whilst I grow I keep on learning about me and life comes back to life.
I am an addict, through and through. That part of me, the part that is self-seeking and always wanting more will always be there, never tamed. All I have to do is do what is right, one day at a time. Not pick up a drug no matter what and things will keep getting better.
I can ask for help when I need it, and feel close to something outside of myself when I don’t. The joy of life can carry me gently and then put me down whenever it feels like it. I’m powerless over this ride.
It is a journey of ‘recovery’. I am over a year clean and feel I am still removing some of the clutter from my using. Creating a landscape where I can sow new seeds for living.
The thing is they take time to grow. The addict in me wants to know where the f**k the flowers are. But life seems to be about patience.
It’s within the mud that the miracle is happening.
So my plot of land may seem barren to the naked eye, bare and without beauty. But it’s beyond what I can see where the healing is taking place.
I used to look at that piece of land with shame and guilt because it was so unkept, professing how one day I would have a place of beauty and serenity for me to sit. Using and talking to about not using. Well I have moved out the weeds, they will continue to grow and I need to maintain it. For if I leave this plot for an extended period of time, it might become out of hand and too much for me to deal with.
My recovery is for me,You sharing what you did or do in yours, helps give me strength. Sometimes I really need to know I am not alone.
I love how recovery is very personal, I may have the same tools as yours, may even have a different set but they point in the same direction. I have to do the work, and you telling me what you did when it worked and when it didn’t helps me to grow.
For no one can do my recovery for me, I need to own it, cherish it and be proud of it. If you too are clean then congratulations and if you have the desire, keep trying. We strive toward something better, we are all capable of achieving so much and giving back in so many ways.
I just know for me that none of it is possible whilst I am fighting active addiction, for it removes all of my strength.
We can all do this, one day at a time. Thank you for traveling this road with me, for I cannot do it alone.
C
I have to say that this is absolutely beautifully written. A huge welcome to Wired In and thank you for this.
I am 21 months sober now and the snowdrops are definitely coming out. They may be delicate little things but they herald the start of new life to come.
Next year I am growing a f**k off oak!
Welcome to the community ‘paveitwithgold’. When I was reading your blog a phrase that I read today came back to me. You just watch, I’m going to start using it all over the place! It’s a motto that comes from the Mondragon cooperatives in Spain:
“We make the path by walking it”
Take care.
WOW again another fantastic blog, we share so much in our recovery Paveitwithgold… long may your garden grow!
Big hug
Annemarie x
Beautifully said and I acknowledge every sentiment you created in your garden/blog.
A flower can look sad and dejected when growing alone but as part of a bigger landscape can be breathtaking, uplifting and life enhancing.
Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?….(don’t know where that came from)!!
xxx
Ah patience a concept I had as a child when building leggo and a concept I’ve had to rekindle for my recovery, lovely writing style, I wait with patience for your next blog.
This blog is great, a very clear description of the journey that is recovery. It’s an interesting dichotomy that recovery is such a personal journey yet so many of us experience similar emotions, learn certain lessons in life, and above all learn to be more patient and accepting.
So I guess what I’m saying is that the benefits are similar for most if not all, but our individual journeys are unique.
I really can’t express how much it means to those of us who have experienced these benefits of recovery to see others in a similar position.
A very sincere thank-you
Matt
Hi – Nice blog and very uplifting. Just one thing though – and you’re going to have to trust me on this:
“I am an addict, through and through. That part of me, the part that is self-seeking and always wanting more will always be there, never tamed.”
Well I stopped being a heroin addict 40 years ago (actually it will be 40 years on Wednesday). Believe me, there does come a point when that demon is tamed. Sure, it takes a while but it DOES happen. One of these days it will suddenly occur to you that you haven’t thought about drugs all day, and then you’ll stop and think, “Wait a minute, when did I last think of them?” And you won’t be able to remember!!
“It is a journey of ‘recovery’. I am over a year clean and feel I am still removing some of the clutter from my using. Creating a landscape where I can sow new seeds for living.”
Loved reading your blog and in particular this phrase resonated with me a lot. I believe we have a new chance at life through creating ourselves as we really are, inclusive of all our glorious imperfections and defects. When you see a tree in nature, it’s simply a tree. It’s not trying to be anything other than a tree. The garden analogy works for me as I find great strength myself within nature. It also lets me know just how ‘powerless’ I truly am today.
“Nature always takes her time. Great oaks don’t become great overnight. They also lose a lot of leaves, branches and bark in the process of becoming great” – Andrew Matthews
Love and Light
xx
