Sunday - Mothering Sunday

Well it came and it has almost past.

I found today difficult, wondered whether I am now the mother to two or three children and everything felt so pointless. Do you cease to be a mother once your child has died?

However sitting here thinking about what to write has made me wonder how my other two children are feeling now time has passed. I have asked them, and do try to talk about their brother Michael, but they are completely ‘closed’

But what I think is troubling me is that maybe I have become quite obsessive about Michael since he died. And yes, I do have two surviving children and also a stepson who must be feeling even more isolated. Have I got too caught up in my grief that I am failing them as a mother?

I am also worn out with my grief and it is so soul destroying. I wondered if I was frightened that if I started to recover it meant that Michael was becoming even more far away.

Today I didn’t want to get up, but tonight I feel like I am ready for a little recovery. You know one little step leads to another. So I went and laid some flowers where Michael died with a little card from me to him and then lit a candle in the chapel where he had his funeral. It was peaceful and sad.

Being sad is okay. Thinking about Michael is okay and I need to move on and start to live my life again. Perhaps a little differently, maybe take a different path – but who knows? And as pavedwithgold wrote in his blog “the joy of life can carry me gently”.

And you know what? It is me that is making it more bumpy and I love how he wrote “no one can do my recovery for me, I need to own it, cherish it and be proud of it.” Thank you so much for these beautiful words.

Well maybe I am ready. Thank you and a special hug from a mother who has love to share.

Love to you all

Sue