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Today I spent some time with the ground staff at the hospital where Michael died (a few weeks ago I would have written ‘was found dead!’ – this was the reality of what happened) but I feel a bit softer now.
We discussed planting spring flowering bulbs where Michael died and I am writing to gain persmission to have a bench placed there. That will be a lovely place to sit and reflect. Not just for me but also so many people who use the grounds of the hospital.
I like the ideas of spring flowers as they burst through the ground every spring bringing a renewed sense of hope and colour and sunshine to the world. And that is how I want to remember Michael.
Interestingly enough I find it difficult not to think well that is where Michael was, at the place of hope and sunshine. And after he died I discovered how much sunshine he brought to so many people.
I met someone today when I was at the hospital who had worked at the homeless shelter for over 20 years and he attended Michael’s funeral. He told me that although Michael had troubles he brought so much generosity and sparkle to so many people. How wonderful to have someone say that about him. Again I want to write, but he also brought….Yes we know that, but lets look a the positive today.
Flowers. It reminds me of Christmas when a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for me and Michael had attached a note saying he wanted to buy someone some flowers. He knew how much I liked flowers and he loved me very much and I received these wonderful flowers.
My sister said to me the other day when we were talking about Mother’s Day that she doesn’t like anyone to buy her flowers as they die and they are a waste of money. The remark made me sad, as I love flowers and I know they die and it reminded me of Michael and how much I loved him. Sadly he died but his life was never a waste. How sad.
Anyway less is often more don’t you think? One rose or a couple of daffodils can look splendid in a vase, whereas sometimes a huge bunch, although impressive can be overwhelming. I wonder if that is why I like a few flowers but lots of vases?
Thinking of Michael my heart is aching and it is still difficult to believe that I will not see him again and, unfortunately, unlike the spring bulbs he will not burst through the ground and bloom again. But I hope that I will be able to start to move on in my life. I doubt if I will ever burst anywhere but I would like to ‘bloom again’ – just little steps as my friends would say.
Love to you all – I hope to get a little more sleep tonight.
Sue x
Poppies and snowdrops. Not a vase person but love these two.
Anything from the garden, or a hedge, or an old-style meadow will do me. Cycles of life, eh? Good night, sleep well.
orchids always liked them but do they grow easy, mind-you bluebells remind me of childhood, good to see your moving through the process of grief with strength, yet your realistic to know nothing will feel the same again, here’s hoping for an OK different though
I don’t know what happened. I was writing to you, and got sidetracked, scrolled up, and when I scrolled back down I saw that my post had disappeared. I don’t know if it got accidentally sent, or somehow got deleted.
I was saying how good the flowers will be, and how here on this side of the pond lots of green things are coming up. Oh, once an e-mail or writing gets blown into electrons, it’s hard to re-create it.
Yes, flowers in memory of Michael. It sounds like such a good thing to do. It sounds as if it hasn’t been long since Michael’s death, and grief is still there.
You say to us, “But I hope that I will be able to start to move on in my life.”
You will. Eventually you’ll find you’re moving on. But you never have to forget Michael! Never! You’ll start living again, and finding new, fresh things to do. But you’ll be able to cherish Michael’s memory.
And sometimes you’ll be surprised that you feel some pain, after a long time. (I felt some tears starting to come today as I remembered my dear aunt, who died back in the ’80’s.) It means you are a loving and caring person, and it’s a goodness.
Now, you say, “How wonderful to have someone say that about him. Again I want to write, but he also brought….Yes we know that, but lets look a the positive today.”
I gather that Michael had an addiction problem of some sort? I know first hand how hard it is to love someone who is deeply troubled and self-destructive. We can look at the positive and love the positive, and we can also love the person and remember the positive when there’s a metdown/tantrum going on (talking about Borderline Personality Disorder here). There’s a WHOLE person here. I find that as much as I hate the loathsome borderline behaviors, I also have profound respect for the fact that this person – these people – live with great suffering.
I want to look at flowers here in the US and think that there was a young man in England who brought goodness to people. And when the clouds come and it gets dark and rainy I want to have tremendous respect for the pain that he and others suffer.
