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I think my relapse started about two months ago…people, places and things. They are all there.
It started of with me seeing a lass just out of treatment. Well I think that’s where it started of anyway. Her being interested in me made me feel good about myself (gave my ego a good stroke).
I thought I was doing the right thing and I told the treatment centre about us. But I didn’t get honest with the lad who was sponsoring me, as I knew he would tell me not to go there. And this addict wanted to feel wanted.
Then the lass relapsed, and I thought I was doing the right thing by ignoring her. In my head I was giving her the space she needed to fix herself (selfish git that I am).
By the way, through this I have been introduced to the world of facebook. Within two days of dropping this lass, I’m making arrangements to meet up with another lass I knew from years earlier. She’s single but she has kids. Before we met up she told me she wasn’t wanting to ruin the friendship we had for just a bit of fun.
This addict manipulates things for his pleasure. At the same time I started talking to another lass. One that I knew from being 15-16. She’s married now and she just wants to have some fun with me. She’s sending me dirty messages and naked pictures of herself down my phone.
By this point my ego is flying and I am now a love God.
All this is going on and I think, “I’m doing Oright”, but am not. I’ve started going back into the bookies and losing lots of cash. Well it’s a lot of cash to me as it’s all the cash I’ve got. All it takes is one win and I’m feeling good again.
Through all of this I’m still being dishonest with my sponsor. Now I’ve stopped being honest at meetings, in case it gets back to my sponsor. I’m isolating myself in facebook, dealing with nothing.
Then last week on the Saturday I get honest with my sponsor. We have a good blether and we move on from that relationship, but we are still friends and he is there for me if I need someone to talk to. That night I get home and the lass that I went with who relapsed got in touch with me through facebook.
I contacted her back and we arranged to meet up the next day. We did all the stuff that I wanted to do to make me feel better.
The next day I got up and went out for cigarettes for a friend. And when I was out I knew I was going to get some heroin. My stomach was turning, full of anxiety and all that stuff. So I said to myself go in and get a double vodka and coke. That’ll make it easier. Eight doubles and less than an hour later I was on one.
Down to a lad that I knew from my using days. I bought me a bag and him a bag. Someone else turned up, so I bought a few more bags. Next thing all my head remembers is coming out of some of fit and looking up at two coppers and two ambulance people.
They had shot me full of adrenaline stuff, but I was still out of my head and all confused. I remember going up to the lads that I had used with and hugging them. I can remember seeing the distress on their faces. The ambulance people tried to get me to go to the hospital but I wasn’t having it. I let them shoot some more stuff into me.
Don’t know what it was, but the next thing I remember is I’m sat in my own house. Have no clue as to how or when I got there. Spent that night awake and being sick and in the company of a good friend. Called the treatment centre up and told them I had relapsed.
Went into speak with them, got honest. Went to a meeting that night picked up the white keyring. Put the big shitty stick away that I still had out from my last relapse, decided that didn’t work need to try something else.
Got rid of my laptop and facebook. I just feel lucky to be alive today. A friend said God has a purpose for me that I just don’t see yet, otherwise I would have died the other night there and that would have been that. That brought a tear to my eye. All I know is I have to start believing in me, otherwise this may be the end.
Hey David you are a lucky man still to be here. It’s painful but powerful to read your honesty.
When it’s all written down in retrospect, it seems so clear; like a car crash waiting to happen in slow motion, you can see where it is going to end. Much harder to see when you are in the middle of it.
And relapse is part of recovery for many of us. Couage is needed to pick ourselves up, wipe our knees down and take the next recovery steps.
I’m glad you shared it with us. I so identify with trying to fix ourselves with other things: relationships: the internet; sex; gambling; shopping; eating; exercise etc.
I’ve heard of so many folk obsessed with Facebook to the point where it takes over their days and their lives; kids neglected, not eating properly, missing appointments and staying up all night.
It’s a cautionary tale; thanks for writing it down.
Hey David – I have to say that this goes down for me as one of my all time classic blogs.
Sounds as is if I am ignoring the subject matter and I’m not – more on that later. But as a piece of writing it is brilliant and sums up so well how things connect together to bring people to an unwanted conclusion.
So thanks for that as I am sure that many people will have a look at this and think, hang on a minute, I need to have a think about what I’m doing.
Most of all I am glad that you are still here. And while I do not believe in God I do think your friend is right – you do have a purpose. And perhaps some of that purpose is to write blogs like these that will make many people think.
Thanks for writing mate,i enjoyed reading it.It’s only been a few days since i had a smoke but i nearly had one last night as my mrs is still using.I started my meth script about a couple of weeks ago and i’m trying my best to stay away from kit. Going to my first NA meeting tonight in Dunfermline. I was a bit of a Facebook freak myself,because i wasn’t working i’d use it for hours on end.All the best,T.
Hello David.
How brave of you to share this.
You may not be very happy with yourself right now, but you don’t lack courage – and the fact you want to recover demonstrates that, as you already know it’s a hard thing to do.
I like what you said about trying to believe in yourself – I believe in you, and the wonderful thing about mutual support groups is that others will believe in you too until you can do it for yourself.
You’ve stopped before, you can do it again.
And I want to thank you – I hate it when people relapse, but it shows me I’m not immune; and I always learn something, even if it’s just that picking up again simply isn’t worth the pain – that’s if we survive, and I’m very glad you did.
Keep blogging, and soldier on – we’re all rooting for you!
Andrea
Thankyou
