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My life is now going very well. The death of my cousin, who died of cancer last week, put my life into perspective and made realise that I have been so lucky to manage to survive through everything I have been through.
Over the last few weeks I have participated in some DVDs for carers and the affects that dug abuse had on family and friends. I really enjoyed this and felt that I have finally put something back into the service. And that my experiences can and will help other people users and ex users (and ftamilies of users and ex users) deal with their lives.
I hope that people can realise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that you can change and live a normal and good life if you want it bad enough. Put the time in and you will be surprised how your hard work and dedication pays off. It did for me.
So good luck every one ! XXXX
Every day that I am clean is a massive achievement and I pat myself on the back every single day. When things get tough, I remember the bad and hard times and remind myself that I don’t want to live that way ever again. Sometimes it’s very hard and sometimes it’s not.
Life is what you make it and I now know that you can achieve what you want in life if you put your mind to it and want it enough. Take things day by day, don’t rush. Enjoy life and stay strong and remember you’re not alone in the world xxxxxxxxx
The world seemed so fast when I got out, I couldn’t cope with reality. I was depressed and ended up relapsing back to heroin to take all the stress, hurt, pain and memories away. I wasn’t ready to deal with my past and deal with my addiction and it was hard to keep going.
Many times I used to sit thinking about ending it all and only one thing stopped me from doing that, my mum and dad. What would they think of me if I took my own life? And I wasn’t going to keep letting them down, time after time.
So you can imagine where I ended up. Back in jail and for once it wasn’t my fault. I’d been released on a tag with a curfew but the box and equipment was faulty and it wasn’t picking my presence up in the flat where I was living.
Even though I had attended all probation appointments and not re-offended, one night I was laid on my sofa when a knock came on my flat door. When I opened it I was greeted by two uniformed police officers, with a warrant for my arrest, no court, straight to HMP Newhall.
There was nothing I could do, so I packed some clothes as I knew I wouldn’t be getting out any time soon as my original release date was January 2009. So there I was, back to square one. In prison, still hooked on heroin and sat on a group four bus back to jail.
Luckily I had my clothes this time and I knew the regime. So once I got on the working wing (100 women working 7 days a week from 8.15am to 6.30pm) I got straight back into work, working in the laundry. I was knacked and slept from around 8pm to morning call for work. So my time was flying be. All I wanted to do was go home. I wanted my mum.
Then, out of the blue, I was called to reception and told I was being shipped out to a open prison in York. In one way I was looking forward to the more relaxed rules and environment but it was a lot further away from home than I liked.
But I only had six weeks left and it was Christmas in a few weeks so I agreed. Well I had to, as I didn’t have a say in the matter. So I said my goodbyes and wrote home to tell my mum the news, packed my belongings and off I went to York.
I was in York for Christmas. It was horrible and I now knew that finally I was ready to deal with the demons that had haunted me for all these years and I knew how I had to change my life. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and it would take time but I was determined to do it.
So little by little I started putting things in place to sort my life out once and for all. I just kept going, day by day. I knew that when I was ready to deal with the past and move on with my life my mum and dad would be there to help me every step of the way.
So when I was released on January 7th 2009 I had made a lot of plans and made a lot of decisions I knew I had to put in place straight away.
First I had to leave my partner at the time because there was no love there. He used and now was the time to change and make a fresh start. So I did. I left everything, lost my home and moved back in with my mum and dad.
I left him with everything, but it was all material and could be replaced in time. I needed to do it, I needed a fresh start. So little by little I was getting there and yes, it was hard. It’s a battle every day, but it’s a battle worth fighting.
I had my teeth pulled out and a set of false teeth made and the difference is unbelievable. They make me look so different. I now have a new partner who has never touched drugs in his life and I now know what true love feels like.
I know how to love and I now know the joy of being loved, and it feels great. We are so happy and he is aware or my past drug use and lifestyle and is very supportive of me. I am still living at home with my mum and dad and am doing great.
I have so many things in my life now I never thought I would have, and it feels great. I can now smell flowers and taste food and the grass really looks greener. It’s mad how things change when you’re using drugs.
I have a wardrobe full of new clothes I’ve always dreamed of, a new TV divx player, a new laptop, new shoes, boots and money in my pocket. I can buy presents for my mum and dad, help my mum out with cash and give it her, not begging for it back.
Being able to walk with my head held high and say “Yeah, I was a heroin addict but look at me now. Change is possible if you want it bad enough.”
I have also put on three stone in about 11 months. The last time I got weighed was 12 months ago and I was 6 stone 6. I got weighed this week and I am now 9 stone 6 and you know what? I feel fantastic for it!
The trust I now have with my mum and dad (and I can see it in their eyes) it means the world to me. Oh, and I now have a full set of teeth it’s great.
Life is finally fantastic and am loving every second of it. So thank you mum and dad and Stephen for being my rocks when I needed you all so much….
The police ripped my house to pieces. It was horrendous. Then in cuffs I was paraded up the street to the CID car and taken to Barnsley police cells for a strip search and interview. I was there for 11 hours before I was interviewed, where I admitted everything and that it was for personal use, on a solicitor’s advice.
Later that night I was released on bail to go to Barnsley magistrates in a few months. I then attended there and was committed to Sheffield crown court in May 2007. During this time I had to fight to keep my property as it was a council flat. I had to attend county court and state my case to keep my flat, which luckily I did with the help of my solicitor.
I was put on a list where, if it happened again, I’d be evicted. And if it happened within a year I’d be evicted and never be able to get a council property again.
I attended crown court in May and was told by my barrister that I probably wouldn’t go to prison. I should get a community order as my criminal record wasn’t that bad and it was my first drug offence. But, if I was looking at prison, I was looking at three to five years.
My mum was present, and my partner at the time, and when the judge sentenced me he gave me 16 months. I was devastated. I was heartbroken. As I was taken away by group four I looked at my mum and I saw the hurt and disappointment in her eyes. And I knew, deep, deep down, that I’d broken her heart in two and I had to change.
I was terrified, but what could I do? I was stuck there, and had to grow up and get tough fast or I wouldn’t survive in jail. Plus I had a rattle to do off heroin and god was that bad. I’d done a few before, but this one was raw, no medication at all.
I didn’t sleep for six weeks. I was so depressed and down I tried to slit my wrists with a razor. I’d never been so depressed. All I wanted was to die. My life felt over. I was 24 with no life, my body was grey, skinny and horrid. I had no teeth and I looked years older – haggard and old.
I had so many things to put right with all the hurt and deceit I’d caused to my family my mum and dad and the close friends I had lost through drugs. How would I do it all? Would people give me the time of day? Was I strong enough to deal with all the rejection and truth I was bound to get?
My head was spinning and I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Then, all of a sudden, something went off in my head. A voice saying, “You can do it, you can get back all you have lost. Look in the mirror, sort yourself out, be true to yourself and the rest will follow.”
Then the weight started coming back and I started to feel better. I started to get a bit of confidence back, little by little. Now all I wanted was to go home and make it up to my mum and dad for all the wrong I had done to them in the past. To make them believe I was worth something and that I could re-build my life back to how it was before.
I saw things in prison that I never thought I’d ever see. It is awful people having full blown fights over a packet of rizlas or milk or sugar. People taking any type of drugs they could get their hands on just for a buzz. People getting visitors to smuggle them drugs in, to trade for tobacco, toiletries, anything.
People would sell their clothes for a line of subetex. People would do anything, and I mean anything, for a buzz in that place. And the officers knew, but there was nothing they could do. The prison was overrun with inmates and drugs. There were too many women and not enough staff.
We were locked in our cells more and more because of staff shortages. It was unbelievable, but in there you’re not a person with rights, you’re a number. And if you don’t do as your told, or cause a problem, then your behind your door or nicked down the block with no TV or anything 24/7.
The wing was all wrong. Child molesters walking around looking at your family pictures on your wall and there was nothing you could do about it. They walked around like they had done nothing wrong, expecting you to talk to them and complained to staff if you didn’t. Murderess women, who had killed their grandparents, children and worse.
Then there were people who were in for helping their family. Women who were innocent in our eyes but not in the law’s eyes. Women at 21, doing life sentences, never getting out. They had settled for that life and made it the best they could, their cells like little bedrooms – home from home. It was heart breaking. I saw children doing life sentences never to be released – and they didn’t care.
I saw women with scars from self harm so bad and deep it looked like their arms had been badly burned. I saw women released on a Monday full of remorse for their crimes and lifestyles, to return the following week. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I was amazed how could anyone enjoy this life. I can honestly say prison was not for me at all. Hearing stories of what other inmates had done used to frighten me. I didn’t want to end up like that and I think, deep down, that’s what made me change for the better.
I had to, or I would end up like them. And there was no way I was going to let that happen. It wasn’t going to be that easy though. I never realised how hard it was going to be back in the big wide world after being in prison for 16 months.
To be continued….
Life was horrible. it was getting harder and harder every day to live, just to keep going. My partner at the time was soon in prison doing three years and seven months for burglary. So here I was all alone trying to survive when I’d no clue how to.
So I decided to ask my mum and dad if I could do my detox at home. Raw, no medication, and they agreed. So the next 7 days were horrendous – god it was so hard.
The sickness, the diarrhea, the stomach pains, the leg aches and leg irritations, the hot and cold sweats, the no sleep, the constant craving for heroin because I knew it would stop all this pain.
But it was hard for my mum and dad too, watching their daughter going through all this. It broke my mum’s heart and my dad lived upstairs all week, he couldn’t bear to even look at me. I was finally clean but it was the beginning of the battle, not the end. The hardest part was next. Trying to stay off heroin.
I had made the biggest mistake in not changing my friends. I thought I could still associate with heroin addicts and be clean, but now I know that’s not possible. So, after all that hard work, within a few weeks I was using heroin again.
At first it was only on paydays, as a treat I used to tell myself. Then it went to weekly, then every few days and before I knew it I had my habit back and I was back to square one. Another partner using drugs and I was back on drugs – it’s not a good combination.
I’d let everyone down. Yet again I was stealing and lying. Yet again, after promising them and myself I wouldn’t do it again. But I’d let myself down the most. All that pain I had just gone through went out of the window.
Yet again I didn’t care who I hurt or what I did. All I was bothered about was getting money for my drugs, taking my drugs then getting money for the next fix. It’s a roundabout. That’s all you do, day in, day out, 24/7. You don’t care how you look, dress, smell, where you live or where you sleep. Your family and friends don’t matter unless they’re giving you money for your drugs.
You turn into a horrible, spiteful, deceitful human being who doesn’t feel or live – you just exist. Even if you want to, you can’t get clean and stay clean for anyone else except yourself. You have got to reach a point in your life were enough is enough and you are ready to take the plunge and change your behaviour, your friends, your daily routine, everything.
For the next few years my life carried on the same – drugs, crime, court. Lost family and friends, had new partners who yet again were heroin users. I lost homes, lived on the streets and looked like I was dying most of the time. Then my life went on an even more drastic downhill spiral.
I thought it would be a great idea to start selling heroin.
First I was doing it just to feed my habit and it seemed so easy. But I never had any money, I was still always skint. I realized that my habit had nearly trebled because I was buying weights of heroin at £600.00 a time. I was better off in other ways, like clothes and toiletries, I had got off other users in exchange for heroin, but financially I was the same.
I had never looked as bad as I did, but it seemed so easy. Even though everyone would say “be careful” I’d say “don’t worry I won’t get caught, it won’t happen to me”. And where did it land me? In Barnsley police cells and then court and then straight in HMP Newhall for 16 months.
The day I got busted I’d got ten point four weights of heroin left to sell and there was around £260.00 in cash. There was a great big bang at the door and, before I could do anything, I was slammed against the floor with a boot placed on my back and my hands pulled behind me and up my back.
My flat was surrounded and there were 12 police officers searching my place. They had already found the heroin as I couldn’t have hid it, I didn’t have time. It was on the fireplace and with the cash in my purse on the floor.
To be continued….click here to read the first part of Kiri’s story.
june c