A love deficiency

“Some have said that we suffer from a love deficiency and that we are lovers in distress. Our addiction uses everything that we do to reduce positive human contact.”

This was taken from Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life – 2008 Form – Disease Concept. It was the first piece of literature I read when I came back into the Fellowship in January of this year. And the first time I had read something that really connected with me as an addict.

This was something I had felt very strongly throughout my own life. My relationships were always breaking down because I could not maintain any kind of intimacy with those around me, even my family.

After a few months, I would feel frustrated and unfulfilled and could not understand why I could not feel love for another human being. In hindsight, probably because there were always conditions attached.

The very roots of my addiction are based in shame. Even before I picked up a drink or a drug I felt inferior and weak because of it. To the man in the street, we looked like your typical working class family, but behind closed doors I now see how emotionally dysfunctional my family was.

I don’t bare my parents any blame because I believe there are millions of families like this, even more so today where children are expected to be ‘seen and not heard’ (as it was with my upbringing.) I was just an overly sensitive child who needed a lot of love.

When I didn’t get that, I had to find ways and means that got me that love and attention. This pattern of behaviour is what very soon led me to start using alcohol and drugs at an early age.

Growing up I had no real sense of my own identity. I was very much the chameleon; often thinking of myself, at times, as schizophrenic.

Yet I always longed for that sense of belonging, but couldn’t manage to immerse myself long enough in anything because of that fear of intimacy. So I always remained on the precipice of life, looking in on the world and feeling alienated and alone.

I somehow always felt different from other people. I was the typical ‘fucked up’ friend that I think most people can relate to.

Why was I so different? Why couldn’t I drink or use drugs recreationally like my friends? It took me many years and through some very dark places to finally come to terms with the fact that I was actually an addict.

I am 8 months clean and sober and finally in recovery. It is the longest I have been sober in nearly 25 years.

I spent my 39th birthday at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting rattling and still withdrawing from the effects of my last binge. I would like to say my final binge, but being in recovery has taught me that I can only take things one day at a time and nothing is final.

There is no ‘cure’ for my disease, just daily maintenance through the principals of the 12-step programme. However, I do believe I will one day recover from the obsession to use alcohol and drugs.

I can honestly say I would not be where I am today if it were not for the intense 12-step treatment programme I went through at SHARP, Liverpool. I thought I was a broken man when I entered that place but my thinking needed breaking even further to a place of total surrender.

I still have a long way to go I believe before I can truly love myself unconditionally and another human being. But with God consciousness in my life I know today that is obtainable. My spiritual well-being is the most important thing in my life today and without that I am nothing but, again, a lost soul.

I am hoping early next year to start training with The Foundation for Shamanic Studies in London. Ss part of my own healing process and hopefully that of others in the future (I will blog more about this at a later date!)

I have my overnight access back with my five-year old daughter, plus my relationship with my ex-partner and her new boyfriend is getting much better. My mother doesn’t have to worry about me today and she has peace of mind for once in her life.

I’m truly grateful to SHARP Liverpool for helping me see that things I saw as weaknesses in a man are actually qualities and strengths to have. SHARP gave me the tools to go out in the world and build my bridge to normal living through the Fellowships.

I never had any expectations that early recovery was going to be easy. Some days I just feel like crying, some days I do. Today was one of them.

But that’s OK with me because at least I know I’m being true to my feelings and I’m not trying to suppress them any longer. I’ve done that all my life, even as a child, and drink and drugs was a way for me to escape those feelings. Not any more.

Love and Light

Phil
xx