The Life of Brian and losing his best buddy alcohol to recovery!

My name is Brian and I am aged 39 at time of writing this. I am writing this as I hope that it helps others in recovery. It is not being written to gain attention or sympathy in any way.

I was brought up in care, moved around from one children’s home to another for most of my teenage years, due to my mother having a mental illness and my father having died when I was eight.

While in care at one specific children’s home, I was abused by a member of staff and I try and forgot what was happening to me.

I began drinking with the older lads in the children’s home. It was great for blocking out what was happening to me and it did actually make me feel good as I felt I could chat to people and make friends better while drinking as a young teenager.

I left this abusive lifestyle which was taking over my life and felt I could not tell anyone, as felt I was the bad one. I reached 16 and went into the community as a little immature boy, who had not been shown the big world and how to live in it.

I spent my 16th Birthday on the streets of London, which I thought were paved with gold.

As a homeless person on the streets of London and the odd night here and there in a night shelter, I was drinking daily as the past was haunting me. I was frightened to tell anyone as I felt dirty and scared on the streets.

I always tried to stay by myself and became very lonely and depressed, with many suicidal thoughts and attempts on my life.

After two years on the streets of London and being dependent on alcohol, I decided to try and do something with my life. I applied to enter training as a psychiatric nurse and got a place at a hospital in Chertsey, Surrey.

It was great at first, but within a few months the team on the ward knew I was drinking on duty and asked me to go and get sorted. So I left and went back on the streets of London.

Now is where the large gap comes in, as I don’t remember many years of what I did or where I had been. Until I seemed to come out of a bubble which had been popped, and I crawled out and found myself in a Bed and Breakfast in Blackpool with a partner of 2/3 years. I never even remembered meeting my partner. I felt as if I was suffering from a mental health problem, the same as my mother.

There was approximately a three year gap in my life. Instead of getting help, I must have gone back into that bubble, as that’s the only part of my life I remember until once again that bubble burst open around five years ago.

Altogether, in 15 years with this partner, I had no knowledge of where we met and how we got on. I really thought I was a potential mental health patient and should not be on the streets when I had no memory of anything for approximately ten years.

It was very frightening and I then decided to try and end my life to escape this horrid place I was in. I was drinking 24/7 and had blood pouring out of every part of my body with an exit area.

After many unsuccessful attempts, I went to my local hospital again asking for help and was sent to an alcohol service. After many months, I was eventually offered a bed in an alcohol treatment centre on 30th June 2005. To date, I don’t even remember entering that detox centre.

Approximately four days later, I came out of this bubble that I keep mentioning, BUT with huge difference…

I firstly thought I was dead and that I was somewhere where people went after death. I was still insane and had a long road to go when I woke up that day. I walked out of that room feeling scared and collapsed on the floor and remember some people running to help me.

Within a few minutes, I was in tears as I was informed that I was in a treatment centre and had not had any alcohol for four days.

I made it… I had got off the alcohol and was alive. I cried and cried, but it was a happy cry, after all those years with alcohol as my buddy. It was like losing a best friend even though I knew it was killing me.

During my 21 days in treatment, I was informed that I had been told that I had approximately six months life expectancy (in March 2005) if I had continued to drink. So I was really lucky… But I was not out the water yet, as I had to learn how to live without alcohol.

Guess what? I am still doing that learning right now, almost 4 years later! But with people in recovery helping one another and staying away from that drink, I am alive and life gets better every day.

I love sobriety today.

I also left that relationship due to finding that it was a very unhealthy abusive relationship and the drink was keeping me there.

That was so hard, entering the world without alcohol and living alone like a child again. But with the help of others in recovery and support services, Brian settled and became a human being and a member of society.

I did go back to my nursing, and then set up an alcohol peer recovery organisation which is now an community interest company based in Blackpool as of 14th April 2009.

I have studied, gone to college and started a new life and it’s great.

I am learning to know about myself and have never been happier. But I still need you. Others in recovery who understand me.

Life is great today and it’s thanks to letting my best buddy go… Alcohol.

Alcohol has no place in my life, but it’s the living sober that is hard. But with others supporting you… you will love life when you awaken daily and remember the night before.

My new best buddy is now recovery! Sobriety is fab!

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